Navigating painful feelings after disclosure/mild transphobia
TLDR; disclosed I was trans to coworkers and it's bringing up a lot of difficult feelings
TW for some ignorant/transphobic comments, though I feel I might be overreacting a bit
I'm a trans man and have been cis passing for a few years now, and it's helped me really be comfortable in my own skin. It's nice to not feel the need to force hyper masculinity just to be seen as not-a-girl. I'm naturally very bubbly, smiley, and have mannerisms and ways of talking that probably come across as feminine to a lot of people. I also did a lot of ballet so I'm probably a bit softer, more graceful, and also my speech is very articulate. I think most people assume I'm gay. I'm bisexual, and actually enjoy that my queerness is more "visible" for once. Living "as a girl", I mostly dated men and even if I told people I was bi they would kind of ignore it or act like it didn't "count".
It feels so good to be seen as a man no matter how "feminine" I act, especially since for a long time I was only seen as a girl no matter how I acted, dressed, etc. To be clear though, I present in a stereotypically masculine way in terms of hair, clothes, facial hair, etc. and it's not that I *want* to be perceived as feminine, but rather that I already put an enormous time into masking with regards to my autism and I literally just don't have the energy to censor myself more than I need to just to be professional and keep my job. I feel like I'm just being myself and I don't really worry anymore about if I'm being perceived as feminine or whatever (obviously there are exceptions, like if I find myself in a very unsafe situation, I would shift into a more hypermasculine/straight-passing mode).
Anyway things have been pretty great, except I've recently started telling more people at work that I'm trans. I'm going to be taking several months off for bottom surgery, and I figured it would feel better to be open about it ahead of time. I think I was afraid of feeling awkward and getting asked questions after my leave, so I figured it would be better to just get it over with. Aside from that, I actually thought it would feel good to share just in general, since it's not like trying to keep it a secret and personally I think it's a beautiful part of my story and how I became the person I am now. (For context, I started transitioning a few years ago and then moved states more recently, so this is the first time I'm navigating disclosure in this way).
Anyway, a few of us were out getting drinks after work, and I mentioned being trans at one point. (For context, I'd never hung out with these people outside of work so I barely knew them, but we were getting along really well so far and it was really great vibes). On the surface, they seemed accepting, but they said some things that were a bit ignorant and hurtful. One of the comments bothered me a bit in the moment, while the other comments I didn't really process until a couple days later. I'm autistic, and sometimes this happens where things "trickle in" slowly or suddenly slap me in the face even though I didn't fully realize at the time what I was feeling or that something was offensive. They were subtle in a way, for instance when I said I was a trans man, one of the people responded with "ohhh that makes sense, I just thought you were a feminine man". That makes me feel like she either thinks I'm not "really" a man, or else is implying that the femininity is due to being afab. Also, just having that perception (of femininity) named so explicitly feels really dysphoric. It's confusing, because I thought I was comfortable with myself and suddenly I'm just having a lot of memories of social dysphoria and feeling like it's not safe to just freely be myself.
There were other comments too that bothered me (like another person saying that it's inappropriate to talk to kids about gender identity/trans people), but for some reason the femininity one is the one I can't stop thinking about right now. I had a gut feeling that maybe it was best not to disclose, at least not right then, and I wish I'd listened to it. The fact that I'm so upset bothers me, because it feels like I shouldn't care so much, after all it's just a few people's opinions and maybe I'm reading into it way too far. But it's not just this comment, it's everything it reminds me of. All the similar comments I've gotten in the past. The times I've gotten "accidentally" misgendered immediately after someone finds out I'm afab, despite fully passing and getting he/him until that point. The times people found out I was trans and were like "oh I just thought you were gay". As if being afab is now the best explanation for my femininity. (To be clear, there was no possibility of them thinking I was a trans woman).
I just wish I could be openly accepted as trans and have that lead to people seeing more of me/seeing me more clearly, rather than it just distorting their already limited view of me. At the end of the night they were like "we should do another girl's night like this!" and then looked at me and kind of backpedaled, like "sorry I didn't mean it like that, just that you're part of the group now!". In the moment I just laughed and said I get it and that it was good to be included, but now idk how to take it. They had asked to see a picture of me before transition and I did show them one, so they know how feminine I looked. So part of me thinks they just recognize that I've had similar life experiences to them because of how I was raised and that they feel a sense of connection with that aspect of my experience, which does feel good to have that recognized, as long as my current identity is still respected.
Also they did the whole thing of "omg we had no idea, you don't look trans at all!" and the way they prefaced it and said it made it clear they felt this was quite the compliment...
Idk why I'm feeling so hurt and insecure. I feel like maybe it's a me problem, that I must have some deep insecurities that I wasn't aware of, if these comments bother me so much. I've been feeling so comfortable in my own skin and somehow now everything feels a little less safe in that regard.
Anyway, I think I mostly needed to vent but it would be nice to hear some words of encouragement or hear from others who can relate. Open to advice too, as I'm imagining work might actually feel harder to navigate now, which is the opposite of what I was hoping to accomplish.