u/Evening-Wash620

I apologize if this is long, it’s my first time posting on here but I’ve reached the point where I just need more advice. Back in the beginning of fall 2025, my girlfriend of over a year discarded me on a random morning, over FaceTime, right before I had to go to work. For about two weeks before the breakup, I could sense something was off. I’m very good at reading energies and whenever I was with her I just felt so sad and felt like I was sitting with the same person. Her eyes and her touch felt cold and distant. Anyway, after me asking in multiple different ways if everything was okay, asking if there was anything I could do, if I wasn’t doing enough, if she still loved/cared about me. I asked in person, over the phone, over text - I gave multiple opportunities to have a conversation. Every answer I got was just “my mental health is bad right now” or just a simple “no everything’s fine”. Until that one day where I texted her in the morning and her response was so off I had to call her about it. I’ll admit, I was (and am still working on it) extremely anxiously attached and based off of what I read about avoidants, it definitely scared her off a bit. To make a long story short, I asked her if she wanted to break up, she said I don’t want to do this right now, which basically means yes. I freaked out, was asking why, what I did to deserve it, what did I do wrong, begging her not to leave me. She didn’t shed a single tear seeing me actually so heartbroken. I’ve been in a good few long term relationships before, ones that were toxic or tumultuous or felt like my whole world, and not one of those hurt me nearly as bad as this did. unlike those relationships, she gave me the world and more. Worshiped the ground I walked on, loved talking about our future, spoiled me rotten. And I did the same. It was a secure, happy, and healthy relationship until about the start of that 2 week period. Anyway, her response was to ghost me for about a week, despite me begging her to talk to me or give me answers. Eventually we had to give our stuff back to each other which took awhile to get her to say yes to. She also didn’t care to have a conversation. But then we met up, and we sat and talked for 4 hours. We even sat there holding hands for a bit and she gave me a big hug at the end. I kept my calm, I was nice, I asked my questions, I tried not to cry as to not scare her off. Before we left, she asked if she could take me out again soon. Maybe it was my fault for putting too much pressure on how soon, but she agreed to the next week. We met up and talked again for hours, only this time the energy was weird again. I remember sharing a dream that I had that week about her blocking me on everything out of nowhere. Of course she said something like “I would never do that.” Whatever we sit and talk, gives me another hug (waits until I let go first), and agrees to hangout again soon. From the moment I got home, texts were off again, even though we texted just fine in between the 2 meetups. Eventually it leads to her going full ghost on me. After days of what felt like actual psychological torture, I finally broke down and I spam texted, spam called, it was bad. I knew it was bad but I genuinely couldn’t stop myself- all I wanted was to know was what happened. I got maybe 5 one sentence responses. Then she went full ghost. Removed me as a friend on everything. Then in January, blocked me on other social medias. To this day, I’m still finding her blocking or unadding me on various platforms. I just don’t understand based on how she treated me the last time we saw each other and her saying she would never. I know I freaked out and was bombarding her with messages, but even as mad as I was, there was hardly anything rude that I was saying to her. It was literally just me standing up for myself. Except for the fact that I found her tinder a week after that last hangout and her saying she wasn’t going to date anyone for years. I don’t fully know what I’m looking for here, but I needed to get this off my chest. Now it’s May, and I’m not thinking about her every hour, but it’s still every fucking day. I’ve never felt like this about anyone and I don’t know why I still do. I’ve gained so much self respect since the breakup and have truly grown into a new person. So why am I still here?? Why do I still have to be hurt and wondering what happened while she goes off and pretends that I literally never existed. I was the first person she said I love you to. I was her first real relationship. She’s always been avoidant. For backstory, we have years of history before this, we briefly dated at one point. But it felt so real, I don’t know if she was scared of the fact that it felt real or what. But I know it wasn’t all made up in my head so I just don’t understand. I’ve been in weekly therapy since but I still feel this so heavy in my heart.