Hi all,
we lost our first baby boy to stillbirth at 38+5 weeks pregnant, in early October 2025. We had gone through a lot to get pregnant with him, after almost two years of unexplained infertility and one failed embryo transfer – he was the second and last embryo from our first ICSI cycle, our little miracle. The pregnancy had gone well, with minor inconveniences (very mild gestational diabetes, a bit of lymphedema), all unrelated to his unexplained stillbirth. The only finding was a true knot in the umbilical cord, but the hospital OBGYNs do not think that was the cause of his death.
Almost by surprise (though not quite, of course), I got pregnant again in January 2026, as we were preparing to start another round of IVF/ICSI. I was happy and terrified at the same time and, while we knew we wanted to try again soon (I am turning 37 this year), I absolutely did not expect that it would ever work naturally for us, given our history, and even less so relatively quickly.
I am currently about 17 weeks pregnant, and while over the last few months it has become a bit less unbearable to receive friends' pregnancy announcements (already slightly so before I got pregnant again), I still find it is hard for me to react to these in a "normally" expected way, of course.
I really struggle to be excited for my friends (tbh for me as well), also because pregnancy as a "state of grace" (or simply as a mostly exciting event) is really not a thing for me. It was not before, due to my fertility struggles, and it is not now, because of what happened to us. I still congratulate them, but I dread the thought of having long conversations on the topic, or to even just be called by someone who would like to share the news, as I would have to fake it way too much...
I have somehow developed a sixth sense for pregnancy announcements. Just today, a friend I don't talk to on the regular messaged me out of the blue asking how I was doing, and I somehow knew she was going to announce that she's pregnant... I recorded a short voice message letting her know how I am doing, and that I am pregnant again, although it is not easy at all given our situation etc., and of course her response was that she is pregnant as well (even a few weeks ahead of me). I congratulated her but cannot really fake happiness, I fear.
When I tried to highlight how hard it has been and that I am really not in the pregnancy bliss stage, she said something like "of course, but I can imagine at least this is giving you hope for the future"... like, I get the intention, but ugh.
And she keeps saying she wants to call me - but why? What should we talk about?
Another friend told me she is pregnant just a few days ago, and it kinda bothered me that she had known all along about my pregnancy, but only shared hers quite late...
Both these friends thought they might need fertility treatments, but neither did in the end, they got pregnant quite fast and easily, and I am of course happy for them, but I cannot help but be sad for myself and the amount of grief my partner and I have had to go through over the last three years, between infertility and stillbirth.
I don't know, it feels like, however friends announce their pregnancies to me, if they haven't been through any struggles to get pregnant, I will to some extent "resent" them. It sucks, I know it is irrational, but it is what it is. I am not blaming myself for it, I am a psychologist and I accept that I can legitimately have conflicting feelings, etc.
At the same time, I sometimes even feel bad about being – momentarily, at least – on the "lucky" side after loss, because another loss mom (who I considered almost a friend, we were in several groups together) has recently reacted quite badly to the announcement of my pregnancy in a group that we both attend, although she already knew I was pregnant. She is going through a tough time with a failed round of IVF post-loss (we lost our babies around the same time last year and also around the same gestational age), and I found it quite mean that she said I cannot really understand because I haven't been through it after losing my child, although she knew that we had also resumed seeing a fertility specialist and I literally had medications waiting for me at the pharmacy when I – for the first time in my life, after an immense loss just like hers – got pregnant spontaneously. I am sure she has something a bit personal against me (she had also lashed out at me over stupid things a few weeks prior to this episode), but it still hurts, and the way she reacted has really made me want to leave this loss parent group.
Sorry for the rant, I guess I don't really have a point here. Pregnancy after loss just feels like an incredibly lonely space to exist in, and I truly don't fit in either type of group (the newly pregnant moms with no prior experience of loss or the loss parents). How have you all coped and/or found your community during the challenging time that is pregnancy after loss? I am based in Europe, Germany, in a big city, but the offer for PAL is really scarce... I am thinking of even founding a group myself or sth like that.
Thanks for bearing with my rant!