Hi guys, I came on here because I need a neutral opinion. Please dont be harsh to me.
My (27f) boyfriend (40m) and I have been in a relationship for almost a year. He has two kids with his ex and therefore they have been together for a long time. Him and his ex broke up only a couple months before we got together (He broke up with her) but they never really separated and told their kids way later that they are not together anymore. So the switch from him being with me and trying to build a relationship and him leaving his family was developing at the same time...
The current problem is that they got two bungalows. On one property and like 15 meters away from each other. During the summer they lived in one and the other was just storage room. One of them is owned by my boyfriend the other is a 50/50 of her and him. The current plan (which is already in progress) is that they upgrade the storage Bungalow so she and their kids can also stay there during the sommer.
Right now him and I are already daily at his bungalow. Now the sommer started and she is also here daily and working on the second Bungalow too. My problem is that there are no boundaries at all. She walks around and still acts like the other Bungalow is her place. She cooks in there (when I am not there), walks in and out (when I am not there. When I am there she knocks), she waters the plants at our windows and stands in front of us to talk to my partner while we are sitting and talking on the porch. Now she casually told him that she will go grocery shopping tomorrow and on the weekend she would like to have a barbecue (at our Bungalow and I assume she means a barbecue with the kids, her and him/us). The relationship between me and her is... I don't know. She is friendly to me and I am also friendly to her. But I have the gut feeling that its fake from her side. Due to multiple reasons. Just a day ago she told my partner that she feels left out and that the relationship with him and I was really fast and that she is uncomfortable (it was a different word but I can't remember) with how often I am already at the Bungalow. One of their kids (4f) asked her (after I met her for the second time) why she hates me and she responded that she doesn't and the kid continued by asking if her opinion has changed then. She just responded that she can't say anything about me because she is only getting to know me right now. Well... She definitely told her that she hates me, kids are always brutally honest and for the kid to just make it up would be a crazy assumption because their daughter loves me.
So that's where I am. And right now I don't know how to approach this situation with my partner. I know that people always like to say "You're jealous" and then they are done. But its not jealousy, she is probably one of the last people I am jealous of and I know for a fact that if they would get back together its just a matter of time before maybe she breaks up with him. I know that I would end up being way happier than them being back together. All of this is in my opinion just a matter of respect and boundaries.
My partner and I had a discussion a month or two ago where he/them also planned a barbecue for dinner and he wanted to invite his family. At that time I met the ex maybe 3 times and his teen daughter not once. So I told him that I feel uncomfortable with the thought because I feel like I am eating at THEIR table with their family and I am an intruder while quietly sitting down with them while they talk about situations/people I simply don't know or have not been part in.
What's maybe also good to know for you is that him and I were at the beginning of our relationship in a really really hard situation. He was afraid to loose his family and thats how He ended up continuing living his normal life and putting his exes feelings over mine. I was in a really vulnerable stage which also included him and would've needed his support but he always said "My ex suffers more right now" (due to the break up, nothing else). And I believe that my nervous system is freaking out with this current situation due to the situation which we had before. We got past it so no need to give an opinion on that but maybe thats explains my freak out even more. How can I approach this whole situation??
**TL;DR;** : The ex has almost no boundaries and acts like if I am not there while all of us are staying in two bungalows right next to each other