u/Even_Region8595

My husband is much older than me. Like, old enough to be my grandfather. He has been divorced 3 times before we were married. This is my first marriage. I was only 20 and in a very vulnerable place when we married. I married him to escape my bad situation. We now have 3 kids and have been married for 15 years. I am a very anxious and insecure person. I lose my temper a lot. My feelings are hurt easily. He has never been very kind to me. From the first month I met him, he has made me the butt of his jokes and makes nasty little comments that are insulting to me. He always makes jokes about me and is especially disrespectful to me in front of my family or in public. I cut him off sexually years ago because he refuses to use condoms, and I can't use birth control because it significantly worsens my anxiety disorder. I don't want more kids. Also, he gave me an STD (herpes). My mental health has deteriorated to the point that I can't get up and function normally anymore. I am coping through food and distractions a lot, just to shut out the fear and paralysis of where my life is right now. I never learned to drive because I don't trust myself to be safe behind the wheel of a car. I rely on my husband for everything, and I don't know how to find the confidence and willpower to get out of my dependence on him. He is mostly fine with the kids, and only bullies and attacks me. Today, he left me at the grocery store for 30 minutes, ignored my calls, and then when I got frustrated and angry at him once he finally showed up, he repeatedly called me a 'fat ass' and 'oinker' in front of our 6 year old. I am so tired of this behavior, but sometimes it feels like I'm the bad guy because of how angry and spiteful I feel towards him. I'm so confused and trapped. It feels hopeless.