u/Even_Possibility_954

Before I start, I feel like it's important to mention that my family is involved with a very controlling religion that discourages intellectual pursuits in favor of “spiritual ones”(aka the Bible and what the religion teaches). This should partly explain his behavior. Anyways since I (F17) was around 11 years old to now, almost 18, I’ve always been a curious kid, and just liked looking up random facts and learning things, as well as more recently an understanding of the political state of the world. This interest of mine, however, has been routinely criticized by my dad. He has always told me things like “I look up too many facts, I waste my time, I need to focus on other things like my spirituality instead”, etc. Also, I say this not to praise myself at all, but no one in my family except for me really likes to talk about “intellectual things” or whatever his idea of that is, so I have always been made fun of for enjoying those things in my family, especially by him. I rarely even contribute to conversations much anymore, unless I am saying things that are “acceptable” to them because they just get mad whenever I want to say anything. I’m also sick of their rude remarks and don’t feel comfortable speaking my mind with them. I apologize for the weird order but I’m just going to mention things he has said/done or just certain events.

Examples:

• Whenever I have mentioned a fact, he would critique it as if I must be doing too much research to have known that. He has even gone so far as to block or limit the time I can use google chrome on my phone(parental controls)as a way to keep me from learning or looking up facts.
• He has criticized the amount of questions I have asked, as if I think too deeply
• He says that I need to refrain from talking about facts or things deemed too “intellectual” by his standard when I am conversing with people, as it can make them uncomfortable or it makes me sound arrogant.
• One time when I was like 12 we were driving to the beach and talking about the nature around us in order to appreciate God's creation, and then my father asked me what I enjoyed about God's power or something, and I think I said something about rocks and I mentioned the periodic table passionately because I was excited, and then immediately everyone started laughing at me for mentioning the periodic table, and I kind of just shut down and was really embarrassed. It became an inside joke for a while.
• I also have been told, more when I was younger, that when I say things like that, or talk about deeper topics like politics when talking to my siblings, it can offend them and make them feel bad for not knowing certain things. Which is really confusing to me, because it's not like I just interrogate them and list a bunch of facts to them??
• Now, he says it differently, like I need to be careful of the type of language I use when speaking with them because I don’t want to come off as arrogant and like I am trying to sound smarter than them. I still don't understand what he means, it's not like I'm casually dropping “ubiquitous” when I speak to them??
• The thing that bothers me every time he says it, is when he accuses me of saying “I know” or “definitely” too much, and I should instead opt for “I think” or “I feel”. I’ll give an example below.
• Conversation A: Father speaking: Man that's crazy what happened on the news recently. Me: I know I saw it yesterday, that's crazy!
• Another example of this, we were playing a game and one of the questions was something like name a CEO that is going to turn into a supervillain and why, and I said Sam Altman(lol) and then just listed a couple reasons why, nothing in depth because I know my family couldn’t give a shit, I was just answering the question. After I said the answer, he pulled me to the side and said I should really stop saying things like “definitely” and instead say “I think” when I am talking about something. Like am I missing something?? I was playing the game and keeping my answer simple and he criticizes me for even having an opinion.

The worst part about this weird treatment though, is that he has praised me in front of people before for liking the things he says I care too much about. Like one time he was talking to a guy and they were talking about a drink and chemistry or whatever, and then he goes “yeah (my name) likes chemistry!”. HUH? You literally get mad at me for talking about chemistry?! I also always have to hold my tongue and make sure I never talk too deeply about something and keep it surface level. Or else he starts to get quiet and give me dirty looks, or he’ll pivot to start talking about God. There's more I can say about this, but this is the gist of it. It just feels so weird, like he's mad at me for having opinions, and he wants to be the man in the house doing most of the “thinking”. It also feels like he’s somehow threatened by me? Even though that is NEVER my intention. I have no desire to somehow disrespect my father or make him feel dumb or something. I also acknowledge that I am not perfect, and constantly try to watch my tongue to make sure I am not coming off as a jerk. I continue to try my best to not come off like I am trying to sound smart. I just always feel like I'm the problem, and I am inherently a selfish, arrogant little bitch and my dad is right. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. Am I really the asshole here??

TL;DR: Dad shames/criticizes my normal curiosity and interest in learning facts since childhood, restricts learning, but praises it sometimes. Feels like he wants me dumbed down. AITA? (Plz excuse my shit sentence structure as well)