I've (27f) been feeling that my Bf (25m) doesn't really want to be with me deep down but is just in the relationship because of inertia or because he doesn't want to break up and be the bad person (he has people pleasing tendencies). He keeps saying he wants to do things with me for dates but does not initiate nor is never truly excited when I try to initiate - booking a reservation, buying the game we talked about, etc. etc. while he shows interest for things that our friend groups are looking to do as group outings. He never introduced me to his friends nor does he seem to consider the idea. We don't talk about the future, near or far. We don't have anything planned to do together in the coming months. In group settings, he prioritizes other girl friends over me - In the most recent outing, he even walked off with a girl friend of mine to yap and laugh when he and I don't even laugh or yap much when we're on our own. I just avoided him out of hurt in the most recent friends' outing, and all the friends could probably tell.
Also over text, he just accused me of "raping" him when we didn't even have sex after all because he didn't want to. He keeps feeling as if I'm using him for sex when I just genuinely desire him and my sex drive has become really high lately with him since we got together. We talked about this before and resolved it but it's resurfacing. Also lately things have been fragile so I've been seeking reassurance through sex.
He sent me a wall of text and I am shocked he felt this way again and yet didn't tell me then and we went out to a friends' outing together for a whole day.
This is our texts from the day after the friends' gathering, sorry it's long because he didn't want to call:
Him: hey can you explain what happened yesterday? i'm really at a loss with how you treated me that entire day all the way from the morning. i'm not going to put this lightly because being left in the dark especially after being raped again is just eating me alive right now and with how i told you how badly i was hurt when you did it the other time. and this is really speaking so much about my worries if you are just using me for my body because i don't know how else to describe it. not wanting to have sex should never have a reason because no means no and thats how consent is. i'm appalled and disgusted that me rejecting sex leads into you questioning me if i love you and want to be with you, me being threatened that in a year you're not going to want to have as much sex, and you being shocked when i brought up consent. i’ve respected you every time you needed to stop, whether it was because of pain or going to the bathroom. i never pushed you past that. i don’t feel like you gave me that same respect yesterday or before. i shouldn't have to pull your hand off several times to make that clear.
and on top of all of that i felt so broken when you were suddenly being so distant and cold to me yesterday after all that happened in the morning while i had to pretend like things were fine and kept having to interact with people. i couldn't even come near you without you avoiding me or hardly acknowledging me at all and just felt so isolated. and i'm just so confused because the day before i thought we had a good time and good day with dinner and the movie then wake up to a complete 180. you made a pretty bold statement with your actions yesterday so if you can please at least explain what led you to feel and act that way then i can hear that out but i'm really not mentally or physically capable of a call today
Me: Hey thanks for letting me know what's going through your mind, and I get you don't want to call tonight - Do you want me to write out a response? I think calling would be more effective if we want to address both things
Him: you can write out something if you have something you want to say now. i'm really physically not capable of calling right now
Me: And I'm so sorry I made you feel violated and pushed your boundaries, it was immature of me to keep wanting it when you said no and to say things that can come across as threats even though they were not intended as such at all.
Do you want me to come talk to you in person? Or would you still prefer text? I'm not gonna leave you alone to just break down on your own, I still want us to tackle this together because this is our issue
And I feel this is actually linked to my fear about us being so fragile because I've been feeling that you might not be wanting to be with me after all based on what I saw from you -- I've been seeing sex as a measure of how healthy we are as a couple genuinely choosing and wanting each other because we love each other, but this right now along with how I've been seeing your vibes and feeling that you might actually not genuinely want to be with me made me really scared .. and psychologically I think that's why I was clinging so much onto sex with you because i really didn't want to lose us and wanted some signs that we were fine after all --
I saw that you have been way more excited to do things with the friend group while you seemed pressured into going out to do things with me, and I have been seeing this contrast as a sign that you actually might not want to be with me even though you wouldn't say it out loud -- couples genuinely enjoy each other's company and presence but I don't think that has been the case for us and it makes me so sad and scared --- For instance.. the just dance we talked about was never bought, i feel the karaoke might fall through bc you said you didn't know where to go or how to get a reservation(?), and rejection of sex is just another thing that tells me there might be something deeper going on emotionally that you for some reason can't talk to me honestly about yet -- I would rather hear straight from you if you have genuinely not been wanting to be with me because I've been feeling that vibe from you for a while now..
Like I've said before.. the feeling of being in this relationship alone or being the only intentional one is so sad while you have seemed to be checked out and disengaged, from the things I saw you do or not do
I'm not complaining about you not showing up here -- No one shows up to a relationship that they are not wanting to be in, this is natural and is my fear right now with you and with us -- have you actually been wanting to be with me?
Right you shouldn't have to pull my hand off of you several times to show that you're not feeling it, I'm really sorry and I hope you can now understand a little more of how I've been viewing sex with you along with the other aspects that made me worry about you not wanting to be with me -- No it was not my intention to use you but sorry it came off that way to you. And yea the word consent was shocking to me because I felt like the word carried so much distance that I never wanted to feel with you but have been
But I think you could be more verbally assertive than nuanced when your intentions are so clear and if it all would weigh down on you so much to the point you were carrying it with you to Bainbridge.. 🥺 can you tell me if something continuously bothers you, I really don't want us just sucking things up in the moment
Did you actually have a good time at dinner and at the movies, I was actually so sad feeling like I was the only one present in this relationship and you are just manually doing your best to show up even though deep down you don't really want to be with me
Sorry my emotions caused me to be so distant with you yesterday - I can say that on my end, that was unrelated to how I felt unloved because you didn't want sex in the morning but i'm sorry it piled up and was a continuation of distress for you -- Regarding everything at the friends' gathering, I've been feeling deprioritized with you when we hung out with friend groups because you tended to look at others to accommodate first and I feel disregarded by you, and when you walked far away from the rest of the group to talk with a woman just didn't feel great 😅 I noticed I was feeling this way after it happened a few times before, wayy before this gathering
Let me know if the things I just mentioned help to clarify some things for you! I still love you and I really hope you genuinely do too, it would help me to know if you actually do not
you said youre physically unable to talk -- if that means you're just occupied w badminton or some sports, i can wait til later to talk -- If it means you're just too exhausted then take your time but just let me know so I'm not just left hanging/waiting
Him: i'm too drained right now to go through all these right now and i don't think i can handle seeing you or hearing from you right now. there's just way too much on my plate through this week and putting this on top is extremely stressful. and i don't know if you're fully understanding the depth of how i'm feeling through all of yesterday. my body is feeling like passing out right now and i tried to walk around and finally eat something and im there just crying by myself in some restaurant like i feel so disgusting and terrible. so i'm gonna go lay down and read these later and reply to you when i have any sort of mental capacity
Me: Sorry youre crying by yourself, really wish we handled it together but I respect your boundaries, get home safe
Me: Hey also sorry you felt like I threatened you when i said i'm eventually not even gonna want sex in a year .. sorry it came across that way but what I meant was that the longer we're together the more my sexual desire will plateau and that we should try to do it more while we can now :( but sorry it just caused another whole misunderstanding and brought you to tears