u/EuphoricGroup2573

In this case, my mother is the entitled parent. If not, then please be my guest and prove me wrong. I won’t go in deep detail as it’s not internet safe, but enough for people to get the point.
To start off, my mom slapped me (my rear) when I was young and yelled at me. Might not be a big deal since it’s common, but I can remember it even if it was over a DECADE ago (3 years or more). She also would mention around my teenage years how she would wish she could do it again to me during that time, which I find odd because if I was a parent, I’d regret putting hands on my child, let alone having thoughts to harm my TEENAGER. I’ve never seen her admit to being at fault at anything, it’s always been mine. I’m diagnosed with ADHD and Autism, but she says the hospital is just “making stuff up”. She also believes that my depression is just teenage “hormones” and shouldn’t be taken seriously, even when I’ve been landed in an ER about it, she seemed indifferent towards it. My grades have been bad in middle school and we’d get into arguments about it. Sometimes she’d yell at me and then go off to complain to my dad saying she doesn’t want to see me. She’d call me a “brat”, scream at me, and I believe at that time the worst thing I’ve done is get bad grades. She’d complain about crying at nights about me, she’d say she was embarrassed about my grades and not being able to “show me off” to other parents, and she also stated that she wished I’d never have a child like me because I’m so difficult. I believe the reason why I was so “difficult” is because of my untreated/unrecognized mental illnesses. She always talks about how she’s in pain from me, it came to the point I don’t even feel bad anymore and only anger. She compares her life to mine and how she’s had it much worse. I’ve also always felt she loved my brother more because she said that during his teenage years he didn’t really go through mood swings of puberty and had good grades + is very successful. She always complains that I never argue back in our arguments or look at her… when I told her it was because I was scared of her, she acted like I had no reason to be in a mocking way. I’ve felt like she never even took the time to realize she could be at fault at ANY way, even when I was 12 (where the parent is in charge of how I grow up to be). I’ve blamed myself for years and felt like I was the worst daughter, it fed into my depression. She complained about my room mess, my lack of effort on academics, my attitude and whenever I try to say that if I could treat my depression to aid those weak spots, she acts like “depression” is an excuse and not a big deal.
At the same time, she can be so lovable. She buys me what I want, we can have beautiful time together, she also can be at times my top supporter. I hate this change where it makes me feel that she either hates me or loves me. It leaves me confused.
I know I’ve hurt my mother, I recognize that. I tried to become better and always try to make redemptions. But I’ve felt like my mother NEVER admitted fault for any of her actions and how they’ve affected me. She always believed she is smarter/wiser than me… she is, but I feel like that also blinds her to see how much she’s hurt me. Unfortunately to say, I couldn’t care less whenever she tells me how she’s cried tonight because of me. Because I don’t have to tell her how many nights I did of her because she never asks. This makes me not to ever want to be a mother if that means I’ll end up treating my children the same or worse.