u/EuphoricBottle9841

Am I the only one who went through such "erosion" with quiet BPD or is it a pattern?

I went from "the only person who understands and supports her" to someone who "demands contact with her". It was very slow, gradual, erosion-like. It started with ghostings that lasted a day or two and after a year she stopped answering my calls or messages at all.

It was very damaging for my psychological well-being as I thought that I was the problem. I honestly believed that she has depression episodes or too much work while she only had a part-time job while living with her parents at 29. At least that was her answer to me trying to save what was left from the relationship.

Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking here for a while, and I finally decided to share my story to get some perspective. I recently went "No Contact" for good, but the "fog" (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is still clearing. Here is a synthesis of my 4-year journey with a woman who exhibits many classic BPD traits.

​I’m finally writing this after deciding to go full No Contact, but the sheer chaos of the last four years still feels surreal. It all started with an intensity that I now recognize as a classic hook. We met online, and for months, she was everywhere—constantly messaging, showering me with compliments, and spiraling into a total panic if I didn’t respond within a few hours. Yet, the moment I tried to transition this into a stable, monogamous reality, the first "split" happened. She told me she felt absolutely nothing for me. I made the mistake of staying, and I quickly became her emotional container. I spent the next two years listening to her vent about her aggressive dog, her grandmother’s illness, and her "toxic" parents, only to be discarded when she suddenly jumped into a relationship with an old college friend.

​After a year of silence, I was the one who reached out, driven by a misplaced sense of guilt. She welcomed me back with a level of euphoria that felt like a drug. Immediately, she began a brutal devaluation of her ex-partner, calling him an unintelligent "mama’s boy" and contrasting him with my supposed intellect. We fell back into the old pattern, but it was even more fragmented. I lived through a "goldfish memory" dynamic; over text, she was a whirlwind of catastrophic drama and depression, but in person—like during a three-day trip we took to Rome—she could be perfectly pleasant and balanced. She seemed to have no continuity of memory regarding our conflicts, treating every blowout as if it had never happened, which left me feeling completely gaslit and disoriented.

The red flags weren't just in our relationship; they were everywhere in her life. She finished her PhD only to describe it as a "bitter success," falling into conflicts with colleagues and labeling her employers "terrorists." I watched her cycle through hobbies, "lifestyle" blogs, and social media oversharing, only to abandon every single project after a few weeks. She claimed to be "empty inside" and would frequently spiral into "not wanting to exist" over trivial inconveniences. While she was ghosting me for weeks at a time, I later found out she had found a new "container"—a mentor whom she eventually accused of harassment after he mistook her intense emotional dependency for romantic interest and made a move.

​In the final year, the ghosting became the norm. She would disappear for two months, only to resurface when she needed to vent about her health or her "impossible" life. When I finally confronted her about the lack of contact, she accused me of smothering her, citing her depression as a shield. Then came the final discard: a cold message stating she had found a new partner who "takes up all her time" and that she might talk to me again when things "settle down." Even as she posted quotes about how well this new man treats her, I saw her active on dating apps, still "looking for a relationship."

I'm done. ​I’ve blocked her now. I’ve realized that for four years, I wasn't a friend or a partner; I was a utility. I was a place for her to dump her toxic emotions so she could stay afloat until the next hit of dopamine came along. The inconsistency, the sudden shifts from oversharing to total secrecy, and the way she could erase our entire history in a second—it’s a level of chaos no stable person can survive. I’m done being the sponge for a void that can never be filled.

Despite all the red flags I’ve listed, I can’t shake the nagging doubt that maybe I was the problem. I find myself spiraling into guilt, questioning if I was the one who hurt her or if I was the actual author of our toxic dynamics. It’s hard to distinguish where her projections ended and my own reactions began. I feel lost, wondering if my pursuit of stability was actually a form of pressure that she simply couldn't handle, or if I’m just gaslighting myself after years of being her emotional sponge. Has anyone else struggled with this "villain complex" after finally walking away?