Just realized howWe’ve been together for more than four years now, recently got married, and we’re starting to try for a child like we always planned. The problem is… I’ve been holding back. I don’t initiate much anymore because I’ve been having doubts about becoming a father in our current situation.
I’ve always wanted a family, and so has she. That’s something we’ve always shared. But lately, I’ve started questioning parts of our relationship, and it’s making me hesitate.
I love her. She’s kind, caring, smart, beautiful, and great with kids. We both have stable jobs and some savings. On paper, everything looks right. But day to day, things feel different than they used to.
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Our relationship has become more tense. I know some of that is normal after a few years, but I feel like small things turn into big arguments way too often. I don't know how to say it, but sometimes (once or two times per week) she can be a bit a Drama Queen, meaning making something small into a big issue (instead of having a calm conversation). It can be exhausting. Sometimes it feels like there’s always some kind of drama. Even minor stuff like me being too tired to cuddle, not wanting to watch another romcom, or skipping an event with her friends after a long week can turn into a big issue. With a child, I feel like I’d need more peace at home, not more conflict.
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I also feel like I carry more of the load. I earn more, work longer hours most of the time because I have more profesionnal ambition than her (she doesn't want more responsability at work, which is okay and me I want to have more financial freedom by the time I will be old), and still end up doing most of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and managing our budget. We have a shared account, but I often pay more for activities and restaurants too with my personal one. It makes me wonder what it would look like with a child. Would I end up doing even more?
We’ve talked about her taking time off work after having a baby, which makes sense, to rest and take care of the baby during its first year. But I worry about the long term balance. I don’t want to come home from work and handle everything alone while she rests indefinitely. To me, evenings and weekends should feel like teamwork - I totally understand, taking care of a child all day long is exhausting, but like working all day is. I already picture myself having to comeback early from work to take care of the child, then make food or order and then doing the chores, and then finally having to go back to working a bit from home (One of my previous manager did that, always logged between 10pm to midnight).
My dad used to work a lot, but he told me it was a deal with my mom who was taking care of us more. It's a bit old school, but the balance was here and my dad had more time to develop his business while we had a good education. My wife will probably get back to work at some point, so we will not have the same lifestyle. Still if I'm the one who will get more money, I shouldn't be the one doing the more at house, in my opinion.
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Money is another concern. She doesn’t really save or plan ahead, while also having big expectations for the future, especially when it comes to a child (furnitures, clothes, school, etc.). If it were just up to her, I don’t think we’d save much at all. We’ve already had disagreements about spending, and we haven’t really had a serious, grounded conversation about the financial reality of raising a child.
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There’s also a lifestyle gap that’s been growing. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been trying to take better care of myself, eating healthier, staying active, trying new things. I’m not extreme about it, still like to eat a burger while spending an evening on a video game, time to time, but I feel better than I did in my twenties. She, on the other hand, struggles to stay consistent with those habits. It often turns into “I’ll start next week,” and then back to square one. We even eat different meals sometimes because of that.
I hate to say it, but I also feel like I’ve taken better care of myself physically over time and it shows. She’s not unhealthy, not even overweight, but I do worry about her habits, especially with something as demanding as pregnancy and parenting. I value staying active and healthy, and I don’t feel like we’re aligned on that. She might have some carences, because she eat nearly no vegetables and few fruits. Also I feel like it's important to be in good shape for our childs, but also give a good example of a healthy lifestyle. She always say she's lucky to have me being healthier and eating better, to show example for our kid, but what if we sometimes eat different things? Will the kid take example on me? We doesn't seem aligned...
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I’ve brought these things up before. She does make efforts, and I see that. But it often feels temporary, like short bursts rather than lasting changes. And when I try to explain how this affects me, especially my doubts about having a child, she tends to get upset rather than really hearing me out.
That’s probably the hardest part. I don’t always feel like we’re a team. And having a child, for me, means being in a strong partnership. I don’t want to feel like I’m managing both a child and my partner. I want us to support each other.
I know this paints a pretty negative picture, and it’s not the full story. There are good weeks where things feel more balanced, where she makes efforts and everything works better. But those moments don’t always last, and that’s what worries me. I still think we love each other very much, people would say we are a strong couple, on the outside we seem like the most "competent" couple to have a child soon, so really not everything is bad, we arent in debt, she is not in a very poor shape, she is not kardashian drama queen style.
But I still have some doubts, I don't know if I make a mistake or not, because it's such a big decision. I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and I know by experience that finding a good and long term relationship like that can be hard nowaday (had a lot of short and not great relationship before, but I was younger and less experienced, or sure of what I wanted), but sometimes I ask myself how life would be with someone else, that maybe we are now too different? And I feel so bad about thinking that tho.
So... yes any advices is welcomed, probably should have conversation with her, maybe delay having a child, but it's something we planned for a long time to start now so I really feel like it will be a big deal.
TL;DR: Married for 4+ years and planned to have a kid, but I’m hesitating. I love my wife and on paper everything looks solid, but lately our relationship feels tense. Small things often turn into big arguments, I feel like I carry more of the financial and household load, and we’re not really aligned on money, lifestyle, or long-term balance. She makes efforts when I bring it up, but it doesn’t seem to last, and conversations can get emotional instead of constructive. I’m worried that having a child will amplify these issues, and I’m not sure we truly function as a team right now, even though there are still good moments between us.