Normally when a person is born, they create an ego (an inner voice of reason, a mediator, a true self). The ego is objective and defends the true self against outside threats. In time, the ego grows stronger and is able to handle the world better.
In a person with BPD, this doesn't seem to happen. The true self exists, but is a glimpse of what it should be. To cope with their trauma, they create a false self in order to protect themselves which takes the place of the ego/true self. When they retreat into their inner thoughts, they usually are having an internal debate between their true self and their false self. In BPD, this debate is often more considered an internal war (lots of shouting and chaos) as both sides have not matured at all (more on that later). The true self is clueless and tries to make sense of it all by mirroring it onto their false self persona, where each different type of false self gives a different outcome or manifestation of the BPD.
If we consider the four (unofficial) sub types of BPD: Discouraged (quiet), Petulant, Impulsive, and Self-Destructive. They all have a unique way in which their false selves are created and how they manifest:
- Discouraged (quiet): can be compared with an introverted child, one that want to become invisible, a ghost, a shadow.
- Petulant: can be compared to a spoiled child, entitled to everything, the brat.
- Impulsive: can be compared to an extroverted child, the risk taker, the center of attention.
- Self-Destructive: can be compared to a nihilist child, nothing matters, no rules apply to me.
When things happen to a person with BPD (like you didn't respond quickly to their texts), the false self is questioned: "what's happening here?". The discouraged will turn into itself, "I'm the problem, my partner is leaving me for sure, I'm not good enough for them, what can I do to get them back". They will withdraw quietly and be depressed. The petulant will throw a tantrum and blame their partner. They will punish them by silencing them for exactly the same time or be very short in their replies, to show their discontent. The impulsive will see the delayed response that their partner has moved on, so they can move on as well. They will seek attention from another source or post something (provocative) on social media to get attention. The self-destructive will see it as a sign the relationship didn't exist at all and will burn everything by killing the relationship or harming themselves.
As you can see, the conclusions they reach are pretty basic in nature. We often mention that the reactions of our BPD partners are so childlike in nature, as they never truly developed their inner persona and often react with the emotional level of a 4 year old. It does get interesting when their false self does evolve...
When the false self grows up into adulthood (this does not always happen and is not related to the person reaching adulthood, this is about the involvement of the persona), their responses become more mean, targeted. Instead of internalizing the blame (and feel abandoned, ashamed they are not good enough), they blame you! This is were the line starts to blur into the rest of the cluster b disorders.
- The discouraged/quiet BPD evolves into a vulnerable/covert narcissist. They move from "I am not worthy of their love/attention" to "They are not worthy of me! I was never the problem, they were! I have suffered so much, I am the victim!".
- The petulant BPD will evolve into overt NPD. They are no longer asking for your attention, they are demanding it. They are entitled because they are better than anyone else. They should be worshiped as gods.
- The impulsive BPD will evolve into HPD. They turn their wild behavior into a professional act. They don't play the part, they are the part. They deserve the attention because they are the center of it and you know it!
- The self-destructive BPD will evolve into ASPD or malignant NPD. With ASPD, the true self is killed off completely (was already weak from the start or non-existent at best) and the false self is taking over and being replaced by masks that take turns depending the goal. They don't care about love anymore. They don't care about you. You become means to an end (sex, money, power). If you no longer serve their purpose, you are discarded with ease. With malignant NPD, the true self is buried alive, made to disappear, put into sleep mode. The false self becomes sadistic in nature. They go from burning bridges to protect themselves to a state of nothing matters anymore, if I suffer, the rest of the world will suffer! The change from self harm to harming you. They cause suffering to feel safe and powerful. Malignant NPD is considered the final evolution where the true self no longer matters and the false self takes over. Any of the other states can also eventually reach this state.
To me this explains why we sometimes have a hard time to side towards BPD or NPD when reviewing the behavior of our partners/friends/siblings. There are lots of posts questioning the same: what separates BPD from NPD? Especially the discouraged/quiet BPD and vulnerable/covert NPD are so similar in behavior, they often feel like they are the same. The difference there lies in the inner workings, and we barely have access to those (we usually have to guess the motives of our partners). To me the main distinction is that with discouraged/quiet BPD, they consider themselves the problem. They want you to love them and they are devastated if you don't. They might beg you to come back, they'll miss you. With vulnerable/covert NPD, they shifted from blaming themselves to blaming you. They are perfect and you should be thankful to be allowed to love them, be with them. And when you don't, they will let you know. They gaslight your version of reality, they blame you for everything wrong in their relationship. Your feelings don't matter, it matters what they feel and experience. They passive-aggressively provoke you into a reaction, to show to them you care. If you don't react, they get even meaner, cruel in the end. They present you with choices where you always lose.
I've read lots of stories where you see the clear distinction between where the BPD stops and the NPD starts. If they are this mean/cold towards you when they split, I think they crossed over into NPD territory. The BPD split is mostly triggered by fear of abandonment. The NPD split is triggered when their ego or there self image is threatened. Another good tell is the duration of their splits. If the splits don't last that long and results in apologies and asking forgiveness, it's usually related to BPD. If the splits last for hours/days/weeks, it's again NPD territory. BPD is short term, NPD is slow burn.
Also keep in mind that the cluster b is a family and is on a spectrum. There are no absolutes here (the examples above are a simplification to make a point). You can have BPD combined NPD/HPD/ASDP. There could also be overlap between the different sub types. An introverted child can also exhibit extroverted behavior at times or be overly dramatic.
The above is inspired by the theories of Sam Vaknin (BPD as a failed form of narcissism), James F. Masterson (the false self), Theodore Millon (four sub types of BPD).
Edit: some spelling mistakes.