I wish I could send this to you
I’m suffering, you’ll never know because I’ve given up telling you. I write paragraphs on my feelings and things going on with us and your responses get shorter and shorter. So yes, I’m suffering and I’m not sure how much more I can take. Love isn’t something I should have to earn from suffering, begging to be cared for and showed attention isn’t something I should have to do. Me having to repeat it over and over and nothing changing just shows you don’t respect me as a person.
You change habits for someone you love and respect.
I’ve only ever tried to understand you, to put effort into this relationship because it’s what I wanted. Because I want you. I changed so much about myself to cater to you, but me asking for small things turns everything into a fighting match, so me going into fight or flight because I want this so bad, us.
You see all my efforts of communication as an argument instead of a chance to grow. You see every concern I raise as a personal attack to you. Instead of just understand me and my feelings. I try to talk and all you hear is criticism, I just want to be understood and you respond with defense instead of just listening and hearing my pain and what I feel. You twist my words until I become the bad guy for bringing it up everytime. I’m being so open and vulnerable with you when you just weaponize my feelings. We’re fading, losing the emotions.
I just want to be happy, I deserve to be happy and at times, I am. I really really am. Then others I just feel so neglected, so empty. Like I’m a burden living on the sideline of your life and takes 2nd place over a video game. Like cmon, you’re 27, a baby otw and you give a game precedence over your fiancé. But then I’m the bad guy for asking for the bare minimum amount of attention.
I’m just so genuinely stuck, I love you more than I could ever know, more than you could ever know. I want our future but it seems like I’m the only one willing to make the change and put in the effort to make it work. But I honestly think it’s time for me to go, to do what’s healthiest for me and our child. We both can’t continue to feel this. To just be so neglected, you’ve became a person that I never knew existed, a person that’s a stranger to me now.
You’ll never see this, I don’t know what I’m going to do bc honestly I doubt I could leave you, no matter how many times I’ve genuinely thought about it. Because I know it’ll make you happier, and honestly that’s all i want. I truly don’t think you’re happy in this anymore. You’re just here bc of the baby.
I’m starting to go numb to this, to just stop explaining myself and how I feel. To just wait for you to come to me, but I’m also so scared that if I do that, you’ll cheat or leave me so I’m just so conflicted. I’m so fucking tired of crying and fighting for something that doesn’t want me. I’m so tired of being fucking hurt I don’t understand how you can hurt someone you love so much. I shouldn’t have to beg for your love, there was a time where we had perfect communication, we were so healthy and we were open and honestly and adults about or feelings. Now it just feels like we’re stuck in a war zone where I just genuinely want to do something stupid. (Had to change that sentence for Reddit purposes)
I just want the same love, respect and effort that I give you. Instead I get manipulated into thinking im the problem and that these are my issues. I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING UNDERSTOOD. I want to be loved so loudly, I don’t want to be hidden. I want to be posted and I want to be known about so I don’t have to feel like I’m in constant competition because you want to put up a front for random women on Instagram. You’re getting close to 30, there’s no reason you should be hiding your relationship, your family, for likes and follows. It’s so disrespectful to me and our relationship. Even then, there’s so many content creators that post their family and still get the same attention because you’re catering to a new audience and not just the thirsty women on Instagram.
You don’t give me the light of day, we’ve had multiple conversations over the past 48 hours, you admit that you’re not communicating with me in the right way and that it’s not fair to me but then you turn around and say the most disrespectful things to the woman carrying your child because I told you I was disappointed we didn’t get to FaceTime tonight when you said we could. Instead I interrupted your game and you talking to your friends after hours of already being me already being ignored. Saying that I’m jumping down your throat when I sent one text. You’re away for work right now, you do nothing in a hotel room besides play video games and you can’t even give me the light of day to communicate to me while I’m growing our son.
God I hope you never see this.