u/Euphoria_woe

I was seeing someone for a couple months. He took me on lovely dates, to the circus, dinner, the park, walks. We slept together, a bit. He’s a lawyer I’m a nurse. He was in to reading.. as am I. I hadn’t really met a guy who was into that before. We had good conversations. He liked to hold my hand and I felt good with him. He shared his insecurities fast but I was hesitant to share mine. We had sex for the first time after a few dates and he cried after sex and came fast. He said it’s his insecurity and I tried my best to reassure him that it was ok. It seemed to be tears from him feeling bad that he wasn’t pleasuring me. Bear in mind I’m a very body insecure person so I can’t naturally cum fast- not because it doesn’t feel good but because I’m insecure, and am in my head about how I look. Anyway, things were progressing. He shared his insecurities and was desperate to know mine it seemed. So I shared (with hesitancy) how previously I’ve felt it was easier to have one night stands/casual relationships with men as I know it’s just my body they are after and that way I feel I don’t have to be as vulnerable to how I’m truly feeling. Anyway, he took that as me saying that he shouldn’t have bothered with the dates as I would’ve screwed him anyway kinda vibes. Which broke my heart. As I loved being treated the way he treated me via the dates and the had holds, good convos etc.
He later read my journal as he was so eager to know more about my insecurities (maybe because he was embarrassed of his own) he read about how much I missed my dad- who passed away when I was 11, and how that has led to my toxic relationships with men. He also read how I was raped overseas.
Later on, I decided to end things given he was going overseas for 6 weeks and wanted to be single for his trip. I felt no need to keep seeing him knowing he wanted to be single as I wanted more.
This is when he became nasty. He bought up what he read in my journal; about how I deserved being raped because I entertained the guy by putting my arm around the guy at the festival.. and how he hopes my dad would be proud of me (sarcastically) and how I crave male validation. He was nasty. I spend everyday of my life caring for strangers (being a nurse) I often go the extra mile, work over time and take work home with me, whilst I’m deeply struggling with grief and trauma. My colleagues say I’m the bubbliest person but none of them know the extent to what I’m struggling with. I feel like I can never date again :( any advice on how to not let this one guy be the end of my dating journey. I’m 26 years old. I still want the man of my dreams.