I have living with bipolar all my life so is all I know, and recently I just crashed out and had a very important discussion about the stress living in my parents home, how this was triggering my bipolar so I needed a home for a few months, and if him could receive me just a few months while I find a place for me and my baby's (kitty's), and he told me that was not an option because he still live with his parents and I'm not ready to respect or understand what live with another person would look like, I disagree because this is not my ideal position and I know how is to deal with this kind of shit.
The conversation escalated and we ended talking about how I don't have any tools to live or survive in this world and how unfair was even my own family trigger my bipolar to the corner of falling again in suicidal thoughts. And there is when everything goes bad, because he started to explain me how bad was for him and how many and some many ways he tried to commit suicide while he was a teenager, and... He just told me "there is an instance while the body fight for his life and u feel genuinely terror", I obviously understand this has triggered something in him, I just said that I'm sorry because him had to face that situation and how awful should have been to him, but I'm sorry, because I don't understand the fear to death or dying, I keep my self alive, I take care of myself, I try to live a good life, to have healthy habits, do all my meds, go to the doctor regularly, do therapy once at week, but, I don't fear of dying, because while u live with bipolar the only thing that u want to do is end with the suffering, this disorder hurts a lot, the average experience to someone without it is a 3 of pain and ours can be a 7-9 from a discussion with someone u love, so if our experiences can be that hurtful, comit suicide isn't scary, unfortunately, the times I was close to commit suicide I just feelt peace an relief, no more pain, no more fear or anything. It was so peaceful, so will not try again, my rational side knows out there is a lot to live, I have to keep trying, and that's why I need to change where I live so I will survive.
He just got stuck in "I don't fear dying", he just was stunned about not fearing dying, was not natural, his words, not mine, and now he don't want to see me, wants to keep his distance and is grateful to know I'm alive every morning but he is just saying things like "after all is your decision not mine" or "it's okay, I understand and respect your decision", "if is going to happen is going to happen" and "after all isn't something like love peacefully to me and I'm empty, I'm just like a egg shell"...
And I really don't know if is just because I have living with bipolar and the suicide thoughts all my life that I just don't understand, it feels kinda dramatic and I'm starting to think I'm just a weirdo, and he is right to fear I jus kill myself any moment, but again, the rational side of me tells me, "I fucking saying I'm trying to keep me alive and I'm trying to not going to that side, to preserve a good quality of life".
I don't know if is just me being a weirdo who doesn't feel fear to die, or is something really normal for bipolar people.
Do you fear dying to? Or just keep trying to preserve your life and not hurt yourself?