Not totally sure why I am making this, but just getting my thoughts out. Been a few weeks now since I got dumped. Still making sense of things. I felt it coming- we had been in a bit of an odd/rough place for a while, so it wasn't a total surprise. On paper, it still sorta happened out of the blue. We'd just celebrated my birthday, we were still talking about getting engaged and our future kids. Our breakup managed to stay amicable. It was over the phone, not by intention, just a result of being long distance.
My last relationship, that consisted of much less time together, and was much less serious, ended a similar way. Just a few strange weeks of feeling like we were in choppy waters, then getting broken up with. I'm not sure why that's been a pattern. In this current relationship, there absolutely was some unsettled conflict, and things I'd knew we would have to go to counseling to work through. Baggage I brought to the table, too. I had some jealousy and insecurity early in the relationship that definitely hurt her feelings deeply, but I'd like to think I have grown since we first started dating (nearly 2 years ago). I really thought we had made it through the hardest parts and were on the upward trend. Idk. Struggling with feeling like I failed and that I am just fundamentally unlovable or impossible to stay with. Her life and family situation got really emotionally difficult, I think that contributed to the mounting pressure in her mind.
Been dealing with the anger side of grief, the typical questions of how someone says you "can't get rid of them" one day, how I'm one of the few stable things in their life, to dumping you another. I know things change, and I have tried to reflect on my own mistakes as best as one can. I think I was a good partner overall. That's the sense I got from her, even during the breakup. Idk. I hope one day she gets healthy enough to work through what she's going through and finds some support.
This is so much harder than a regular breakup. I miss her all the time. I miss her sister. I miss her dogs. I'm still dreaming about her a lot, and she was definitely my best friend. It's not just dealing with the typical grief and process of heartbreak, it's dealing with the fact that I'm having to build towards an entirely different direction and life than I was planning. And alone. The idea of being with someone else, or her being with someone else, still makes my stomach turn. I blocked her on socials just so I don't have to deal with seeing that eventually.
I don't know what the future holds- it's hard to not get attached to the idea of finding each other again, just because I do really believe what we had together could've been fought for and worked out. But, I know that's not a healthy mindset to keep. And I can't make someone who's unhappy stay, and I definitely can't be the only water in someone's emotional well. I truly do love her + miss her, though. Onward, I guess.