Hi everyone,
I haven’t posted in a while and I’ve been trying to stay off this subreddit more. It just doesn’t give me peace anymore. I never really found reassurance here, and honestly, reading everything so compulsively probably made things worse—no reassurance was ever enough anyway.
I wish I could come back and say I’m better and that I realized I love my girlfriend, but that’s not what happened.
These past months have been really hard. My ROCD basically ruined everything. When I told her about my doubts (before I knew it was ROCD), it really affected her. She started to shut down, and over time her behavior changed in ways that slowly affected me too. The more she shut down, the more I did—it became a vicious cycle. One thing that really hurt me was her constant nervousness and tension. I don’t know if that contributed to me shutting down emotionally or not, but over time it definitely affected me.
About a month ago, we decided to take a break. It hasn’t been easy. We argued a lot. I wrote so many things I wanted to tell her, things I wish I could say, but I just couldn’t. Every time she reacts badly or gets angry, I completely shut down. I hate that about myself.
Now I feel like I’ve lost interest, or love. The doubts are still there, but more in the background. The anxiety is gone, but I still don’t feel at peace. I feel distant, cold. It honestly feels like I don’t care anymore. Maybe my feelings are really gone.
What hurts the most is that a small part of me still hopes things could go back to normal but it feels impossible. I feel empty, completely empty. I wish I had the strength to try, but it feels impossible. I feel disconnected from her, from everything, from everyone.
After everything, I think she now understands what I’ve been going through and how much ROCD affected me. She forgave me and realized I wasn’t playing with her feelings. Now she’s trying to fix things, but inside I feel like it’s too late. I wish I could go back, but I can’t remember anything.. no feelings, no good memories.
It hurts seeing her try so hard while I can’t even feel it. I just feel nothing. I hate this. I hate my mind. I have no motivation left, nothing at all.
I hate this disorder. I don’t even have the strength to believe I want to try. How can I try if my mind won’t leave me alone? Maybe I’m giving up, but it feels like I’m forcing something that just isn’t there anymore.
Nothing moves me anymore. I don’t know if I’m depressed, numb, dissociated, or something else. I just needed to vent.
How do I know if this is my mind or reality? I don’t understand anything anymore.
A few weeks ago I found an OCD specialist with a lot of experience. And as if the universe was messing with me, from the moment I started, my anxiety and obsessions just disappeared. Now there’s only this underlying sadness and the feeling that everything is gone. I still hope he can help me.
I know no one can give me answers or reassurance. I just want to know, has anyone here ever reached this point? I’ve never read anything like this. I don’t want to know how it ended. I just want to know if I’m the only one.
Because right now, I feel completely different from everyone else here and that makes me think this might be the truth.
TL;DR I have no that "I know I love him" thought.
PS: I translated this with ChatGPT since English isn’t my native language.