I'm 33 F (diagnosed adhd autistic) and my Grandma is in her late 80's. Back in December our Grandad suddenly passed away (the ppl I'm referring to are on my Dads side) and I want to be there for my grandma more but there is friction.
My grandparents have never been the cliche kind that play card games or the kind you'd want to spend time with growing up.
They are the kind that were very hardworking and successful, but that means high expectations and not taking no for an answer and can be quite judgemental?
Example when I was 8 (?) my grandma wanted to take my sister and I Japanese flower arranging. I remember she rang us up and my mum said we wouldn't be interested and grandma replied 'well have you even asked them?' And so my mum asked across the room whilst she was on the phone to her and we said no because that wasn't the kind of activity that my sister and I wouldn't have found interesting?
She would also pop over without arranging anything and it made my mum so mad. She tried to do the exact same thing with me in my house now as an adult and I've had to firmly set boundaries that's she needs to give me a few days notice before wanting to popping over. It can't just be spur of the moment thing.
Also remember when I got my first job in retail and was loving it one of the first assumptions she thought was I going to become a manager and when I said that's the last thing I'd want to do because I'd seen how stressed the other managers were her attitude was like 'well why are you in retail then?'
When my parents divorced (dad was a workaholic and my mum found someone else it happened years ago & dad had found someone new too) my grandma was quick to tell me how she found my mum 'very difficult' and I just flipped it and said 'I know mum felt the same about you'.
But even recently my husband and I went over to hers after grandad passing & we tried to keep conversations sweet, talking about memories and them growing up.. and the conversation turned and she went on to say how she felt my mum wasn't there for dad enough and should have worked it out for 'the sake of the kids/us'
I've had uncomfortable chats with just her in the past but her bringing up personal stuff with my husband being there really threw me off.
And in more recent times I have dread seeing her because she doesn't understand my autism and adhd (there is autism on my dads side heck even my dad suspects he is autistic)
And she doesn't understand why I haven't worked in three years (linked to adhd/autism and other health related stuff) Majority of family do understand & are supportive but I think she assumes I'm just going to get magically better and work again and be able to work full time? When she sees me with full face of make up and trying to look up beat she doesn't see the prep and days of recovery afterwards. Even when I have explained my struggles day to today she goes into suggestive mode and it feels like she doesn't want to understand.
In my last retail job which was part time again one of the first questions was 'would I be able to work more hours?' At the time I was trying to ease myself back in to prevent burnout (eventually my hours increased and got burnt out again & ended up quitting)🤦🏼♀️
I know I just need to stop over explaining and I'd rather talk about other stuff but I obviously don't do a great deal of interesting stuff day to day and we have totally different interests.
I want to see her and keep her company at times but I'll get chest pains from getting so worked up and anxious because she probably thinks I'm a massive dissapointment (I used to be a full time fashion blogger and work was good but burnt out bad after a few years) and I'd rather keep catch ups light hearted but I'm also struggling to mask like I used to and dread an uncomfortable conversation popping up where I try to casually brush it off but then I don't know what to ask her instead 😓
Thank you for reading