Just the title, basically. He took his own life yesterday. Older brother took after mom - never diagnosed with anything to my knowledge, but a real piece of work. After our Mom's last stroke, he went to visit her and just went off on everything he felt she did wrong raising him (or so he said - I wasn't there). Keep in mind he was over 50 at the time.
She was in there, and unable to respond. Just sat there and took it, and cried (he says). She really wasn't a good mom - maybe ever. But I don't want to hold grudges and anger with people anymore, so I just tried to overlook that stuff and be there to support when I could (while keeping my mental health in mind). It just seemed like that was super fucked up, and not really the way to deal with stuff. Perfect for him, though, because there was nobody to call him on his own bullshit.
After that he stopped visiting, and then went on an international vacation. While he was on vacation, we found out her surgery was unsuccessful, and so we followed her previously documented requests to just let her go comfortably. When he came back, he was so mad, and lashed out at me for 'making decisions'. I tried to let it go. Then she died a couple of weeks later.
My sister and I went to setup the funeral arrangements, and he wanted nothing to do with it. When I told him the day, he got mad - he had another out-of-town vacation planned. He called my aunt to cry to her, who then called me. I didn't want to deal with any of this. But I had to, so I just said fine - the next weekend. I called the funeral home and was able to reschedule.
When we talked about costs, he was also mad. IDK what he thought we were going to do, just throw her in the back of the truck and drive around town to find options? He was bitching at me on the phone, and I finally had enough. I told him off, and he threatened to come kick my ass. I just hung up. He didn't do anything to plan for the service - my sister and I did it all. I didn't talk to him again until he showed up and made a big scene about how great everything was. Afterwards, he had his wife apologize for his actions, and give me some money haha. After that I just stopped talking to him.
I didn't answer the phone when he called or return his messages. I had a number of issues with him over the years, and was just done.
My dad wasn't around when I was a kid, and being so much older, he kind of served that role for me. That was unfair for him, I'm sure - again, Mom kind of sucked. He'd tell you everything was all my fault for 'being a victim', but I never sought out to do that - he always brought it on to me. Whenever he won some sort of competition between us, it was due to his greatness, but my wins were due to my 'cheating'. I just could never win with this guy, but I kept coming back.
I started going to therapy after my Mom passed, coinciding with no longer talking to brother. I missed the good times quite a bit, but they don't last for long. His emotions are kind of unstable, and a fun laugh can suddenly turn on a dime, and instantly become him raging or tearing someone down before the giggles have died down. I felt bad about cutting him off, but knew it was the best thing for me. A few years out now, I can say I'm doing the best I've ever been. Work, personal, health - it's all coming together.
I kind of had an inkling this is how things would go, but didn't do anything about it. Now he's gone, and I have so many feelings. Disappointed. Upset. Mad. Sad. Regret. I'm supposed to be working right now, but my brain can't focus on that stuff. This is mostly a ramble, and only kind of tangentially related to narcissist parents, but I think it goes to show that it kind of breaks us all in different ways.
Anyway, I kind of just wanted to say this to someone. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not responsible for his actions. I know and understand I don't need to feel guilty, but I still do. That said, I wouldn't change how I did anything aside from getting help for myself sooner. I only wish that he could have seen the value of it.