u/Esmewing

(Sorry if this the wrong community to tell this to, I’m trying to use new communities after all my posts got deleted in an old one.)

I’m still a teenager, and I’m not that messed up in the head- or at least I don’t think I am. But the thoughts I keep having are extremely messed up.

I literally dream of myself getting beat to death or half death because of what I’ve gone through in life. — Constant stress over the smallest things, no friends, never leaving home because I don’t have a reason to, lack of basic hygiene and energy. I started harming myself a couple of years ago but eventually stopped because I didn’t find relief in hurting myself. Now, I have fake scenarios or even imagine that somebody is beating me up. They sometimes just come up randomly, but mostly whenever i have nothing else to think about or something even slightly negative is happening. It’s like my own fantasy land, my own space whenever I think about getting beaten up by somebody else.

I keep hitting myself to relief some of the thoughts, but mostly I try to do something with my hands to distract them, like right now I’m writing this to distract my own thoughts.

I feel instant relief whenever I see my own blood, no matter how is it caused. A nose bleed, accidental cut, anything anyway makes my stomach twist in a good way.

It’s a surprise I haven’t cut myself anymore, but honestly I just don’t have anything sharp enough to use. Even if I did, I’m too much of a pussy to do it myself

This is going to be graphic.

I want my head smashed against a wall, a floor- fucking anything. I want somebody to stab me. I want somebody to laugh when I scream in fucking agony. I want somebody to stomp on my already limp body. I want somebody to assault me even though the thought scares me, really really fucking scares me.

I want to see my own blood, the beautiful dark red colour. I want somebody to make me go fucking crazy, hit me, speak how bad of a person I am, how awful and disgusting I am. How ugly, how pathetic and fucking awful of a human being I am for existing. I want to leave this world in the most god awful way.

It’s my coping mechanism to imagine somebody in front of me, hitting me. Beating me up. It eases me whenever I’m crying, having a panic attack… etc.

I don’t know what to do, but it’s getting worse and I know it. I can’t stop imagining it. I’m afraid I’ll do something I shouldn’t do.

I’m around 157cm, and 50-53kg. I know it’s healthy, but I look fat. And I know for a fact that internet is the reason I feel like a pig. I keep seeing those “model ideal” videos or whatever, of where people look thin and beautiful. So fucking beautiful, and stunning. No, I don’t want to be extremely underweight either, but I mean I do want to loose weight, like at least to 45kg.

And as somebody who is already depressed, and eat really badly- that’s simply not possible. And now, I’ve started checking all the kcal I eat in a day. And I already eat less than i apparently should. Like around 1000-1,200kcal, or less. I barely move, because I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I sometimes work out at home, like do simple planks and all sorts but that’s also rare.

I don’t know why am I really writing all of this, who is even reading this lol

I’m slowly loosing all my appetite. I barely eat at school now, and I plan out everything I eat. I don’t eat healthy, let’s get that out of the way. So I feel absurd that I feel insecure of something I’m not even attempting to do anything about other than eat less

But I know that whatever the hell is wrong with me, is starting to get worse. I don’t know what to really do. I have no energy to do shit, I sometimes go walk my father’s dog, but those walks are also slowly getting shorter and shorter. My attitude is also getting worse, I keep snapping and I feel annoyed at others for no fucking reason. I say stuff I regret saying but then I never correct myself because I’m too scared to. I do say sorry, but that’s really it. Mostly I just stay quiet and look pathetic

Fuck, I feel like I’m making up all these problems i keep having. Maybe I just want attention and I’m making everything up, lol. And it doesn’t help that an old friend I sometimes have to eat with also doesn’t eat school food, or at least not much. Inside, I am pretty jealous that everybody cares that she doesn’t eat, but nobody says anything when I don’t eat or come to the cafeteria. Just simple “oh, well come next time” I feel really weird, cause why the fuck am I jealous of her? I just crave attention, and she gets all of it lol. That’s why I think I’m just gonna stop coming to lunch.

I’ll stop asking what’s for lunch, so I don’t feel tempted to go there. Yesterday there were something sugary, like donuts or smth idk and then sausages. Jesus I want to puke now when I think about it lol. I’ll probably get my own water bottle so I can at least drink something so I don’t actually faint, cause that’s what I’m scared of, nothing else really. But yeah, now after saying multiple times to myself “I won’t go to lunch”, now I actually won’t. I’ll update if I do go, cause then I’ve officially failed myself lol