I can't let my FP go - My heart just won't
So long story short, I met someone via friends 4-5 years ago now. It instantly clicked. Like it was effortless. She was kind, loving, thoughtful, always happy. I fell in love with her maybe two weeks after I met her. I didn't show it because it wasn't the right time for me - and also her. We both were in a relationship and didn't want to fuck it up, either side.
Anyways, life goes on and she remains a good friend. After one year or so we started to hang out often together and we really bonded. She shared some trauma, I shared mine. I showed her my "imperfect" self and she showed me her flaws. I felt understood, I felt seen. Truly seen.
We started to play often together, call and talk everyday. It was truly amazing. I remember it with such joy.
We eventually started to date. First month was awesome but it started to crumble really fast. She started to make decisions I wasn't really agreeing with and started to hurt me (mentally) with poor choices, without taking my feelings into account. I thought that maybe if I showed her enough love, all would be okay. It wasn't. The more we talked, the worse it got.
One time (one of the many times we got close), she was at a party with her Scout friends. And she was feeling very lonely. I know she has a tendency to oversexualize herself. I won't disclose why, but it is how it is and I don't blame her for that. But she was like, "I really wished some guy kissed me" and I told her "Meh, not a good idea" and then she told me "You can tell me if you don't want me to". I told her I didn't want her to kiss another guy, because we were basically dating at that point. Guess what, she promised me she won't. 1 hour in, she texted me "I kissed another guy." I was angry. I was disappointed. I felt so much pain. I told her it hurt me. And what she responded was "It's just a kiss, nothing more, why are you overreacting". Bro. Come on.
Well, anyways, what happened is I got attached to her. I later figured out she also had BPD. I also have an anxious attachment, she has an avoidant one. Worst case scenario here.
But even though I KNOW she's hurting me, I find the "comfort" of keeping her in my life way better than losing her forever. I don't want to lose her forever. I also know that if she keeps hiding behind "it's my bpd" thing, it will never change.
I don't know, it's just a vent post. I'm just so tired. I keep giving her more of myself, of my soul. I just love her so much, I guess she sees it also.
I made the decision to block her this time. Usually it's her blocking me.
She really hurt me, once more. Because she "didn't know" it would, but she definitely did know.
But yeah.
Anyway.
Life goes on.
I still wish she had chosen me, this time.