My (23F) boyfriend (25M) doesnt seem sexually interested in me anymore. Where do we go from here?
Hi. As the title says, I really don’t know what to do, and I’m hoping to get advice from people with more experience.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years. The first 6 months were long distance. In the beginning, we used to have sex 3 times a day, which I know isn’t realistic long term, especially because we weren’t seeing each other all the time. After around 4 months, it naturally decreased to 2–3 times a week, which felt more normal.
But even during long distance, I started noticing things that bothered me. One time I visited him for a week, we had sex the first day, and then for several days after that he showed no interest at all, even when I started signaling. I eventually asked him, “Are you not that interested in having sex anymore?” and he said he was interested and didn’t understand why I asked. Almost as if he naturally expects to not have to show interest or anything for me to do the sex.
Over time, I started feeling like he was selfish in bed. In the beginning, he really seemed to try hard to impress me, but later it felt like he didn’t think he had to anymore. Almost like once he had “won me over,” he became more entitled and stopped putting in effort.
The reason I say that is because of things like this: one time we had checked into a hotel room, and he was just sitting on his phone. He told me to get changed because we were going out again, so I did. He was lying on the bed, still on his phone, and didn’t even look up at me once. I got absolutely no impression that he wanted intimacy. But then he made a comment like, “Fine, no sex then I guess,” which sat very wrong with me. It felt entitled and weird.
Another issue is that he barely does anything to me during sex. He has never touched my private parts. He mostly just has sex with me, and around 80% of the time I’m the one initiating and having to take the lead. Sometimes it honestly feels like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing, because he just lies there and barely moves while I’m the one making everything happen.
Fast forward to now: we’ve been together 1.5 years, and in the last 3 months I’ve been rejected 3 times. We now have sex maybe 2 times a month, and most of the time I’m still the one initiating. I brought it up recently and asked, “Why don’t you want to be intimate anymore?” He said, “I’m just tired.” I said, “But are you really too tired for sex 3 weeks in a row?” and he said maybe it’s because he works and I’ve been doing home office lately, so he’s more tired than me.
I then asked him if it had anything to do with me gaining 4 kilos. He said he hadn’t even noticed that I’d gained weight. He stroked my back and we fell asleep, but inside I felt really sad.
Also, the few times we do have sex now, he often pulls me on top of him, which honestly makes me feel like he’s just being lazy. One time I tried to do the same to him and said seductively, “I want you on top of me,” and he refused to move and said he was tired.
What confuses me is that I don’t necessarily feel like our relationship is cracked. He flirts with me by slapping my butt, kisses me, cuddles me, and is affectionate in general, but never in a way to move it to sexual. I also take care of myself, have good hygiene, and get compliments wherever I go by people.
I guess I just don’t know how to interpret this. Advice is much needed.