Need some help figuring out if I'm a bi-romantic homosexual trapped in comp het or just bi with a strong preference?
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I've really been struggling with my identity.
When I was younger I knew I liked woman as a woman, probably before I knew I liked guys. When I was a kid/teen I questioned my gender too. As a kid I felt more aligned with boys and as a pre-teen it was more non-binary, if I knew those words. All of that was squashed out of me due to my environment. I ignored a lot of it until I was 18 and more independent. I even had a very long relationship with a gay during this time, I was pretty happy until the end and he couldn't get the idea out of his head that I was just gay. I settled on bi and somewhat andro but kinda femme. I experimented for a while then I went through a very traumatic experience around the age of 23. I basically stopped being me until recently.
I've dated some women and it was great but more guys. Guys are easier to date because of the availability and because I think they generally make better friends because they like what I like. Because of the trauma relationships with guys have been a lot of work. I've been in a relationship for 7 years with a man who is kind of ace and its kinda going the same way as my last long term relationship. Where I'm no longer feeling satisfied and questioning my sexuality and gender. I don't think I've ever really felt satisfied with a man, it's always just been fine I guess. We are poly so it really shouldn't be a problem, right? We had an unrelated fight and I told him I'm wondering if I'm just gay.
Well, I have this guy friend. He is poly too and incredibly queer. We went out the other night as friends, I'm pretty sure hes crushing on me. Thats ok, I'm attracted to some aspects of him like that queer-ness but I'm not sure if whats in his pants is gonna do it for me. Like one of the issues I'm having with my current partner is the intimacy in all aspects feels very straight and he isn't really interested in more queer activities because he is straight. He said he would totally use whatever pronouns I wanted though so he is still supportive socially. With my friend though, no matter what, everything feels more gay.
I know what I want, it is just more queer stuff in my life. But am I crushing on this friend because he represents that? Did I get with my current partner because he made me feel safe when I wasn't? Do I only like men when they are visibly queer? Is this comp het?
I've been thinking that maybe this is the conundrum of a bi-romantic homosexual?