No serious romantic relationship in 30's as a female
I have a very long history of trauma and have had a lot of difficulties around sex and touch ( inappropiate experiences but honestly probably avoidance of intimacy).
I am finally now in a place in my very late 30's where I want to be alive, I no longer am coping in super risky ways, and have close friendships and a job I love and life is better than I ever thought possible.
I feel so much crippling shame around not having been in a serious romantic relationship (or any exclusive long-term relationship) ever. I feel so much shame for how difficulties with touch made it impossible for the majority of my life to want to be in a relationship, I feel shame about disclosing that I have zero long-term relationship experience because of my history, and I feel so much shame even telling my psychiatrist (I dunno why- this person saw me throughout my life and they saw the worst of it and I feel like they just see me as my problems (even though they are super kind)
It feels like i have finallly been able to be free of a life from cptsd and this feels like the one fucking haunting reminder of it, ya know? The shame is not even so much having zero romantic experience as it is the reminder of the reasons why and the fact that some people would understand my reasons/ and other people would judge.
Any solidarity in experience would be much appreciated ❤️