First time doing long-distance [22F] with my partner [27M] (not exclusive yet). He is grieving and distant, and I’m spiraling. How do I cope?
I’ve never done long-distance before, and I’m feeling incredibly confused and anxious.
My partner and I just finished a really stressful semester of college. I actually knew him around our community for a while but never made a move, and we finally ended up getting together during the second half of the semester. Because of that, things are still pretty new between us.
I already knew he was dealing with a lot of personal stuff and stress while school was still happening. Even so, we were able to spend one week reconnecting right after finals finished, which was really nice. But immediately after that week, everything shifted. I flew back home across the country for the summer, so we suddenly transitioned into a long-distance dynamic. We aren't officially exclusive yet, which adds another layer of uncertainty to a new relationship.
Right as this distance started, his stress levels compounded. On top of what he was already carrying from the semester, he’s working a lot, trying to catch up with his own family, and tragically, he is currently dealing with a death in his family.
Because he is completely overwhelmed and grieving, our communication has basically dropped to zero. We haven't had a real conversation since I left. The only contact we have is sending each other a random TikTok or Instagram post every 5 days or so.
Logically, I completely understand. My brain knows he has been drowning in stress for a while now, is dealing with grief, and simply doesn't have the emotional bandwidth right now. I want to be supportive and give him space.
Before the silence started, I mentioned to him that I was going to miss him while we were apart. His response was a bit different than what I expected—he seems to view working toward our relationship in a practical way, like focusing on money so he can spend it on me or take me on nice dates in the future. While I deeply appreciate the thought behind that, it’s not actually what I need right now. I need emotional connection and reassurance, but I have a really hard time expressing my needs, especially now when he has been going through so much for so long.
Because I'm getting no real interaction, I've fallen into a really bad habit of checking his social media following and likes, trying to find clues or answers. It’s making me spiral and feel so much worse.
How do I handle the anxiety of needing emotional connection in a relatively new, non-exclusive relationship when my partner genuinely has nothing left to give right now? How do I learn to express my needs without feeling like a burden while he is grieving?