so i am pretty sure some people remember me from my post about the tumor. well, the saga gets worse, and i wanted to cover all bases with the trigger warnings in the title lol. it's a ride.
as many people suggested, i tried to seek therapy, but i am broke. and the therapist i could get tried to convert me to christianity. which, i am very sorry to all the believers, but Jesus is not going to fix my tumor, neither is any other god, including the one i believe in. so yeah, i want that surgery, but for now the hospital i left for various reasons (from which i specified only the emotional ones and looked crazy, i know), is the only option available, and i am fucked.
on top of that, my boyfriend keeps fighting with me, because any logical reason i provide for him is not in fact enough, and he's "had worse". he had to get his cheek sewn up at a worse hospital. his cheek. they will be putting holes in my guts. but yes, his cheek is inarguably a worse emergency.
i was going to attempt a few days ago, due to do many things i will not specify here, the tumor, my dysphoria that has flared up over the past weeks significantly (i want out of my skin and have no one to talk to about it, because i really don't want to bother anyone), and the fact that my relationship is not going as well as i hoped for. i also relapsed into self harm, after being clean for months. i was actually on my way to make the leap of faith and proceed to delete myself off the map, but luckily, like the responsible adult i should be, i texted my mom (lol). at that point, i knew i was not in the state of mind to think clearly, and maybe i wanted someone there with me as i did it, maybe it was my last ditch attempt at actually trying to survive. i don't know. anyways, she dragged my pitiful ass back home at 1am, and sat with me until she was sure i wouldn't do anything stupid, before going home. she deserves a medal, can't lie. i called my boyfriend before the attempt as well, but he told me to stop being dramatic and go to sleep, rather than helping anything.
my boyfriend does not realize what he's doing wrong, due to the fact he doesn't listen to me when i actually tell him what he's doing wrong, and keeps being an ass. mainly, he keeps treating me like a problem to solve, rather than a person with feelings, and he'd said many hurtful things that only brought me down more. he doesn't seem to be doing it on purpose, but it keeps happening.
at this point, i an contemplating attempting again. only, this time i don't know if i'll have enough will left in me to text or call anyone. honestly, i feel like i am trapped in hell, partially of my own making, and given that my whole life was always on fire and keeps getting worse, maybe i just don't want to do this anymore.