37 F / 35 F Fractured Trust- Lying
I (37 F), and my partner, (35 F), have been together for seven years. About a year and a half ago, we had a significant breach of trust regarding our finances. Although our finances were separate (& still are), I was shocked to discover that she was in significant debt and had defaulted on several loans, including her vehicle. We had frequent financial discussions and shared large life goals, such as purchasing a home and planning a wedding. I had also been generous in paying for things and maintaining a certain lifestyle for us, as I have the privilege of a higher-paying job. I was furious and hurt that she had kept this information from me. Additionally, I struggled to understand why she hadn’t addressed this issue sooner, considering our living situation provided her with more financial flexibility than she had previously.
Since then, we have worked through the situation and established regular check-ins to have more intentional and transparent conversations about our finances. She has actively participated in these discussions and has created a safe space for me to express my discomfort or ask questions to ensure that we are on the same page. Read: patient, understanding, holds space for me. I tried to be understanding that at times having a partner who makes more than you can cause performative actions to “keep up”. Throughout this process, she has communicated how liberating it feels to have everything discussed openly and how sorry she is for allowing her shame to overshadow her honesty and openness. Over time, I came to believe her.
As we resume building towards some of our previous plans, primarily a wedding, I had expressed insecurity about making this significant announcement to our friends and family, fearing a recurrence of a similar situation. Initially, she reassured me and implored nothing like that would happen. However, she then revealed she hadn’t graduated college. To clarify, I don’t have any attachment to someone graduating college, nor do I believe it reflects their intelligence, capabilities, or other qualities. Nevertheless, this is a lie that has persisted for many years. She attended a well-known school (confirmed), but she didn’t complete her final semester. I was shocked but didn’t have a strong reaction. I listened to her explanation, which was rooted in shame. She mentioned that her mother had shared that she had graduated with others, which led her to maintain the facade. She felt that if she had disclosed this information when the other breach of trust occurred (finances), we wouldn’t have been able to salvage the relationship. About 30 minutes later, she came to me to share that the school program we had both worked on her application/pre reqs/etc for, she had never actually applied to it. At the time, she said she didn’t get it, and that the rejection was terrible to deal with. This pain and embarrassment from rejection of the program has been the crux of not applying again. The ‘rejection’ was approximately two years ago. We discuss trying again and what support is needed to face that fear (trust, I get it - adulting is hard af) pretty often.
I am left feeling hurt, frustrated, exhausted, and somewhat paralyzed. Getting married feels deeply uncomfortable. Trust and integrity are important to me. I find myself thinking ‘well…she’s not cheating on me’, which quickly devolves into ‘would I even know’!?
My purpose for screaming into the Reddit void is to seek advice: have you encountered situations where lying or withholding information like this has actually improved or been repaired? Am I wasting my fucking time?