Am I trans, twink, femboy? Help
Hi,
long and little complicated text sry about that. English is my third language.
(Tldr; what the hell am I?)
I lived as a cis hetero man for 16 years without questioning that much about anything. I was pretty introverted. Got called feminine and gay, did not think anything about it. Thru my whole teen years i had a problem with porn, also lurked the Finnish 4Chan which is known for it’s misogynism. (So women were pretty sexualized in my mind)
About 5 years ago I came out to myself and my parents as bisexual after I had just realized it myself. I experienced my first time with a man, liked it. I found out that I liked to present more feminine and started to call myself twink/femboy (I’m very slim, 179cm long). Still sometimes presenting little more masc.
I wanted to grow my hair long and did. I started dating transmasc person and we explored gender pretty freely. Had my makeup done many times and then started to question my gender. Started to makeup everyday myself and cut myself bangs.
At this point I went to Malta for 3 moths to work in as a exchange student. I got to be whoever I wanted, no one knew me there. I changed my name to be little more feminine. Felt like a girl, lived inside my head as a girl. I sometimes fully passed as a girl too. Had hard time with the fact that I’m born a male (hated it) and started to voice train to sound more fem. Had a few deep conversations with myself about how I now will stop giving a single fuck about anyone and just starting to live as a girl.
The exchange program ended, went home, did makeup. Broke up with the transmasc person. Turned 18. Realized I like only dating men. Had to cut my hair for military service which all the men need to go thru. Did not like how I looked with the buzzcut. I was feminine and everybody noticed and naturally I got categorized as the ”gay one”. Still had pretty good time there and damn those men looked good.
Anygays after the 6 moths I got home, started to grow my hair long again, sometimes did makeup. Got accepted into university and found myself a nice cis girl friendgroup and few other girls I bonded as a friend well. Identified as nonbinary. Started to makeup more as my hair grew and started to question my gender again.
Now I have mid long hair (still growing it), I makeup everyday, I voice train to sound more feminine. The problem is that last week I started to question the whole thing. Do I actually want to be woman? Well kinda yes, I love how people treated me in Malta and I felt pretty at times. I don’t like my masc features and I would like to have face feminization surgery to make my jaw smaller. But I actually have never thought about me having boobs. Just a woman’s face and womanly curves would be enough.
My options are growing old as a man which disgusts me a little bit and even then I would present very femme (Like Howl from the Howl’s moving castle anime ((look it up)) or I could transition to be a woman. Twink death scares me, I don’t think I would enjoy my body after it that much even tho now as a very slim twink I do. I haven’t had bad body dysmorphia before I went to Malta. I think i could live my life with a twink body but not any other bodytype and that’s kinda impossible as I grow older. (Tbh as a slim twink I wanna train my butt to be bigger too)
Sooooooo do i transition? Do I buy self made HRT from the drug dealers behind the citymarket or do i just off myself? No matter what I decide i feel like I’m lying to myself which does not help.
Thank you lovely people :)