u/Entire_Weather3209

And I don’t know how to get myself to do it. I want to live. I can live, my body isn’t too far damaged yet but I need to get out of this shit like so fast. And as weird as it sounds my ED playlists are so bad for me. And I have multiple. But I want to sob. Thinking about destroying them hurts me so bad. I don’t know how to get rid of them but I engage in ED behaviors while listening to them and also find them generally so triggering. I don’t know why this motivation to destroy them all is so hard for me but it is. I feel like it’s denying a part of my life but I don’t think I can recover when I know they actively make me more disordered, it’s not good for me to keep them. I shouldn’t listen to them anymore. But it feels like loss to give them up so I don’t know what to do.. I wish I had somebody to delete them for me but that’s not a thing for me, it sounds stupid but getting the willpower to destroy them is going to take everything from me..

Can somebody please give me advice so it doesn’t feel so bad..? I feel like I’m grieving them as dumb as it sounds and it genuinely makes me want to cry even though they’re just supposed to be playlists..

Yesterday I went to the hospital and to be clear I’m not underweight, or even low normal or anywhere near it. I think a lot of people think to have major complications you need to meet that criteria (including myself up to this point) but please don’t fall into that belief system, it can go wrong before that and fast. My health has been declining at a rapid rate in multiple ways and I promise that I am not thin by any means

I am genuinely traumatized from my most recent hospital visit. They didn’t notice my ED or anything of the sort, but I recognize that my ED is what triggered the complications I had. I was in the most pain I’d ever experienced in my entire life, at one point I literally started screaming begging for death. I don’t want to go into detail of what happened because I know it can be triggering but I’ll just say that I never would’ve guessed that as a complication I’d get from my ED. Fortunately it didn’t require surgery to correct (though I was told I was close to needing it), but truly I have never been more motivated to recover in my entire life. However, I can not stress enough how much it traumatized the absolute fuck out of me. Which is a major problem because I’m specifically afraid of eating because what went wrong with me is digestive tract related. I still tried to eat a lot more today than usual (I’ve been cleared to eat soft foods for now) but I was also legitimately terrified of being in more pain. I think recovering while I’m so scared to eat for physical reasons is going to be horrendous for me. I wish truly that I had recovered before it got to this point. This stupid disorder took everything from me, I never lost as much weight as I wanted because the goalpost kept moving and I never felt valid and I still don’t but I’ve also decided I never want to experience what I did again. I’m irritated I ever got this disorder, and anxious because I don’t know how to deal with my trauma and fear of food now even outside of my ED. I know I’d heard warnings about EDs and everything, but I guess I just thought nothing like this would ever happen to me because I’m not thin by any means. But I was wrong. I wish I could go back and time and stop me, but whatever I guess I can’t do that. I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to vent because I know if I keep restricting things like this will happen again and I hate how out of control I felt in those moments (it was literally the worst day of my entire life), but I’m also unironically afraid to eat even more now because I’m afraid of it hurting me