I don't know what it is, but I definitely need to talk about it. Long read. Not a question, but more like thinking out loud. Maybe somebody was in the same situation and has some thoughts about it.
I'm 34 and I have had pretty severe gender dysphoria for my whole life. It caused almost full emotional numbness in very early childhood. So I have never felt any emotions or feelings.
Recently I finally realized the problem and started HRT. It was a miracle, as after a while emotions returned. I started to feel - now I can be sad, can genuinely laugh, feel happiness, etc. Now people around me are not strange and incomprehensible creatures that I have always mimicked and cohabited with. Now I perceive myself as a part of society, I can feel the same as they do. For the first time in my life I’m not anxious about them, but I really want to be with them, to speak with them, to share my feelings, to be emotionally connected to somebody. It could sound pathos, but I really feel like I started to live instead of just existing.
Unfortunately, when I came out as trans, my wife left me, my family dishonored and abandoned me, as well as the only two friends I had, and I remained completely alone in full social isolation. And only after that did I realize how lonely people can be. Before that, I hadn’t needed socialization. Now I desperately want it, but I have no one. Of course, I’m working on making friends. But it’s not a fast process and can take years. Plus, I have never made friends, so I don’t really know how to do it, so my attempts are pretty awkward and sometimes strange.
This feeling of loneliness and abandonment led me to depression. Now I don’t have any desire to go outside or to do anything. I can’t force myself to do something, to continue trying to establish any social connections. And it feels like a cursed loop with no exit.
Now, when I think about the whole situation, I’m really surprised at how great and definitely positive changes can have such nasty and awful repercussions in some circumstances.