Unsure where to even start
(Pls be aware this one is slightly vent-ish so I can properly describe how i feel)
Heyo, for full transparency, I'm not diagnosed or anything. That's part of the issue haha. I have however suspected that I have DID/OSDD/anything in that direction for over a decade now, but continuously just either forgot about it or denied it again because, I assume, I wasnt ready at all for any of what comes with the acknowledgment.
Either way, I've cracked about half a year ago and it was a very excruciating thing, took a massive dip in my mental health and everything, cried on a public bus (havent done that since pre-hrt PMDD at 13), dissociation got tons worse as a result, 0/10 recommend. Whether or not I'm truly a system or whether it's DID or sth similar i dont want to decide for good, I wouldnt claim it with 100% certainty without a diagnosis either way. Thats not the point.
The point is just... what do I do? I'm still struggling so much with possibly accepting that I may be a system. I feel cringe and like I'm faking and like my friends who are (semi-)openly systems are going to hate me if I'm wrong (unreasonable, ik that). My dissociation and memory lapses have gotten even worse with accepting that this may all be the case, so have my headaches (which I'm rn assuming may be related to switching), now that I actively pay attention to it I feel like I'm losing so much time and idk, I guess im just vaguely terrified. Im somewhat stable so people don't even take me seriously when im struggling cuz I function in day to day life and it sucks cuz I rlly am struggling. But at the same time I assume im fine cuz others assume im fine. Which in turn makes me feel thst I cant POSSIBLY be a system. (For example i dont actually "forget" to do things cuz I work around a lot of memory issues regarding tasks wirh constant alarms on my phone, checklists, calendar reminders etcetc)
Where do I even go from here? Therapy is not an option rn at all (evil combo of money + many systemic issues where i live + severe trauma from therapy lol) though id like to go in the future, i barely managed to even tell the friends I feel the most safe with, I struggle accepting it sm that ive got what I assume to be parts lashing out at me (presumably the host) because turns out denying their existence openly isnt exactly great. What do I even do, is there any literature that helped u guys at the start, fiction or non-fiction idc, any sort of personal philosophies, any coping tricks, mantras etc? Just anything that could aid me in self-acceptance or further educating myself (though ik quite a lot, questioning for over a decade would do that lol). Obv not asking for yall to diagnose me hope thats clear. Just. What do I do where do I go from here, yk?