Crossposted in r/LesbianActually -- since this is my first serious wlw relationship I am wondering if I am missing something.
I (38F) have been seeing my partner (36F) for almost 9 months. They have a huge group of friends, 20+ women made up of various configurations of exes and they have know each other for decades. I am an extrovert, a very social person that gets along with anyone but for the life of me I can’t seem to jive with them - especially her best friend and her best friend’s girlfriend.
I came to notice a bit of a pattern I noticed that my partner, her best friend, and the gf were kind of a trio. My partner runs a lot of errands with them, carries the gf’s stuff, used to spend a lot of time around them, lends them money etc. and since we got together this must have tapered a bit. The best friend even said: you’ve taken her away from us. To this my partner said: they’re just joking.
Despite this I tried to invite them over, I join as many of their social events as I can (they all hang out semi daily), I've event sent food or gifts if I couldn’t make it, I’ve tried to make conversation in person and even text but it just wasn’t working.
They generally don’t seem to like outsiders and have iced out some of my partners other friends before (I’ve met these friends and they’re genuinely lovely) so for a while I thought, ok it’s just the way they are and I shouldn’t take it personally. I get along with their more satellite friends and family swimmingly so that should be enough. I started to opt out of the wider group settings, I told my partner I was uncomfortable in those spaces and she should feel free to go alone. The marathon 16 hour hangouts and group vacations were just not for me.
She wasn’t happy. She accused me of being judgmental and cold toward them and that she now felt pressure not to see her friends. I assured her the boundary was for me not her. I felt I was between a rock and a hard place, I couldn’t opt out and to be there meant I had to make all the efforts and still get nothing.
Eventually she realized she was being unfair and we came to a compromise but left it at: you have awfully high expectations for my behavior and very low expectations for theirs.
Yesterday for the first time my partner said: my best friend and her gf want to see us outside the larger group setting. I was genuinely surprised and she clocked it. She said: it doesn’t matter what they feel about you, what’s important is how I feel.
And that made me see red. I don’t even know why I’m angry but I’m so angry. I feel like there’s a very odd toxic dynamic going on here and somehow I’ve come out being the one who is disliked and has to compromise. And I have no idea why after all this time they want to spend time with me anyway. I don’t know how to navigate this and need your help!