I haven't enjoyed sex in years. There are many reasons for this: Vaginismus, which is when the vagina suddenly tightens up when you try to insert something into it. I hate toys and dildos and vaginal exams because of this. I have been on vicious birth control before which messed with my vaginal flora, my mental health, and of course my libido. I have four very young kids and ive been breastfeeding for five years. It is not unusual for a breastfeeding mum to feel touched out, especially if she's got toddlers. And then there's my husband's behaviour.
Every morning he gets up, opens Twitter, and then loudly complains about how horrible women are. He's got a weird fear/hatred over women being sluts and talks about it at length. He's even told me that if someone were to try and force me to have sex with them at gun point he has faith that I will "do the right thing" and let myself get shot to protect my purity. He says a lot of things that are just plain *ick.* He's woken me up in the middle of the night with my hand in his fist trying to get me to jerk him off. He once told me that I "owed" him sex because he removed a broken air conditioner. I blew him because I was three weeks postpartum. He responded that "It'll do." Around this time last year yelled at me three weekends in a row and then on the third weekend expected sex like nothing had happened. And he's complained endlessly about how boring I am in the bedroom (I've tried riding him, missionary, reverse cowgirl, lots of oral, and a couple of positions that I dont think have names. Often these are unpleasant or painful but I was trying.) He had much more adventurous lovers than me before he met me but im not interested in things like doing it in public.
My husband hasn't hit me. But he's brought violence into the home. He's run at me, threatened me, slapped me, pushed me to the ground, thrown me at a couch, slammed his fists into the bench, thrown things, and he shouts at me. He lies. He lies about all sorts of weird things and the lies are starting to clash with each other and don't make any sense anymore (for example he grew up very poor and in a rough neighbourhood, but he also apparently had such rich and important parents that simply stating his father's name was enough to open doors for him.) He's always one-upping me.
Because of my husband's behaviour. It's a chore at this point. I do it because it sort of seems to make him calmer and nicer to me for a little while. We do it one to two times a week. I think that's heaps for a couple with four little children and especially for someone who isn't feeling very happy or safe. Point is: I've put in *TONNES* of effort.
It's not enough.
Last night we got into an argument. And he brought our apparently terrible sex life into it. I pointed out that we did it twice just seven nights ago and he rolled his eyes and said it had been months between times we were doing it. This is wrong. Just totally and completely wrong. We have been doing it 1-2 times a week for *years.* That bastard! That *bastard!* I *know* this because I've been pushing myself -- making *sure* we did it that often to keep him somewhat nice to me. He didn't relent. He scoffed and told me to start charting it because he doesn't believe me and he "knows" I'm wrong.
Does he really, truly, believe we only do it once every three months or so? Have my efforts been so meagre they've left him feeling like that? Or is he lying again?
More than that, he can't seem to make any connection between his horrible attitude and me being attracted to him. I've told him I need him to be nicer to me and he says I'm being too vague. He also claims when he's meaner, I initiate more. He's correct of course. When he's mean I go into panic-mode to try and make him nicer again and sex is the only thing I can think of that he'll respond to positively. (I've tried other things, they don't work.) So he's reluctant to be any nicer to me.
Last night was one of the few arguments we've had where I didn't burst into tears, raise my voice, or start speaking quickly and shrilly. I handled myself really well. Probably in part because I *know* what he was saying was completely untrue. Might be a small victory but im proud of that.
But I still feel hopeless. Like I can't win. Even when I try my hardest. I can't seem to climb up from being this heartless harpy he sees me as. I know I'm never going to earn his respect. Or his love. I keep trying anyway just because I don't want the kids to live in a tense horrible home. We need to split. I know it. I feel disgusting.