I (27F) had a child die almost 5 years ago (29 July 2021). He was 29 weeks and 2 days in utero when I went into preterm labor and he was born. He lived for 1 hour in my arms before he died. He had a fatal birth defect that caused him to retain urine until his bladder and kidneys were destroyed beyond repair which also caused his lungs to fail. He was absolutely beautiful and my husband and I love him deeply to this day. Perhaps we don’t talk about him as much as we should but our other children (5,3, and 1, all boys) know of their brother who passed away and can reference him in pictures.
My cousin (45?F) also lost her son. But more recently in this previous summer to an accident. He was much older (7) and had medical issues as well as severe autism. I was a live in nanny while they (he was a twin) were babies and have loved them and their mom for a long time. She connected deeply with me when her son died, as I had been dealing with grief for years. I appreciated the connection while also being intimidated by it. My son had died shortly after meeting him, not raised for years and then lost. I had a short amount of time (9w2d) to come to terms that he would most certainly not survive while her son had succumbed so randomly. Among other things.
My issue lays here. I am still so angry over my loss. I am dreading May 25th which would be 5 years since the 20 week anatomy scan where we learned our son would not come home. I dread the 9 weeks and 2 days afterwards where I lived everyday wondering if that would be the day my son died inside of me. And I dread the 5th anniversary of his Birthday at the end of July where I am reminded of how it all played out. Time has healed nothing. I am honestly more angry now than I was then. Every year I hope that it will have dampened and every year I am wrong.
Her son’s 1st death anniversary will be in August. I am obviously dreading that too. But I am scared that she will see how much I am still affected 5 years later and be scared or more sad. She has seen me go through this via a social media friend view for 4 years but I’m just already so worried about how I will handle this year, the half a decade year, and don’t want to worry her and her own loss journey. I know when I “joined” this child loss journey I had such hope that over time I would be able to heal and feel “better”, and while I cope better overall now than I did, the anniversaries (and anniversaries of preparing for anniversaries) are especially hard.
Would it be the right thing to block her or restrict access to my posts for a while until September? Or am I projecting? I can’t think straight when it comes to be this time of year. I’m aware I should be in therapy, we don’t have the money for now. I am mainly worried that she will see that it is so debilitating for years and spiral on her own. I think if I had known that it would be so terrible for so long I would’ve had a much harder time at the beginning than thinking it would certainly become less painful over time. Maybe I am overthinking it all. This type of pain seeks out any way to make it hurt more. I’d love an outsider opinion.
ETA: I know I also could just not post anything about my pain and anger, but I have always posted when I felt the call. I share him as he is my son and I feel he deserves to be posted and talked about like my other sons. I also know she knows that and has seen it and is an adult who can choose what she views. I just know I sought out the experience of others in my shoes at the beginning and so many had already made peace so soon after and it gave me peace hoping that this anger wouldn’t follow me. It has and that is my issue to deal with. I just don’t know if showing that is helpful or not.