u/Enough_Childhood3151

I had this really strange thing my whole life - not really feeling present. before this, it was diagnosed as depression and anxiety, I genuinely thought it was just some kind of anhedonic perception of the world. that I was capable of feeling deeply but only for certain things and aside from that, the world HAD to be grey, and I just didn't have the ability to see colour like everyone else.

I had my first dose of vyvanse today after being nervous yesterday about whether it would work or not, and holy fucking shit. I had a conversation with my brother over the phone and it felt easy. I didn't have decision fatigue choosing a drink. I could taste the drink and be present with it VOLUNTARILY. this all sounds incredibly trivial but man. it's fucking life changing and I'm only what... 3 hours in? I can finally differentiate anxious leg shaking when I'm feeling emotional and the stimming I do, because I no longer feel the compulsion to shake my leg. I'm finally confident in my diagnosis, and that I'm not just lazy.

I felt my whole life there was this mental overload filter between me and reality. hence not being a person. watching that filter disintegrate is like stepping into the world for the first time. I don't feel euphoric, or wired. I feel calm, present with myself, present with the world.

you genuinely have no idea how easy "easy" things are before this, man. I completely understand people who go "so this is how normal people feel", because it is insane. like it should not require willpower to open a door or walk into a room or sit for an extended period of time without shaking your leg like a wild animal. but without meds, it does. with meds, it's just being a person. this is what it's like to feel alive.

edit: the crash is fucking horrible man. if I was a car it's like my engine sputtered and died. wow. is this how I felt before I was on meds? or is this a newer low via contrast? interesting

a few weeks ago, knowing I'd be diagnosed, I felt really hopeful. like wow, my life is gonna change, I'm gonna finally be able to do the stuff I'd like to, and the stuff I avoid will be much easier.

now I'm here, finalised my diagnosis a few hours ago in my second session with my psychiatrist, and now I'm feeling this immense fear. what will I do if it doesn't work?

more pertinently, what will I do if it DOES work? how much of what I'm doing (or rather, not doing) is my brain and how much is my poor work ethic? what will change about my life, my brain, my outlook, how I behave, how I feel?

my whole life I've been working around my brain, I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like to work with my brain. I'm really scared, to be honest.

edit: I think I worded my post as highlighting more anxiety than what I'm actually feeling. the anxiety I'm actually feeling, is more like what you'd experience before sitting a big test, or before seeing your exam results, maybe even like going to a graduation ceremony. it's that kind of "wow, I'm scared". apologies if I made it sound like I was catastrophising - it's just a big change in my life. I hope this is understandable.