Hi,
I am a freshman in college and my lack of executive functioning and task initiation issues have become overwhelming to the point I can’t get anything done. I cannot ever get myself to study, even if I clear my schedule completely and sit for hours in a library. I will stare at the document no matter what strategies I try to use (timers, rewards) and I am unmedicated because my issues only became a problem when I got to college and I have no doctor here.
This year my mindset has become “well, I’m not going to study anyway so might as well not be depressed about it.” Throughout this year I’ve switched between two extremes. One is self-isolating, withdrawing from my social life, not seeing my friends and delivering every meal, not taking shifts at my job, and just sitting in my room staring at my work in the hopes that I’ll do it. That quickly spirals into depression as I am a social person and struggle with loneliness. The other thing I’ll do is say “f it” and spend my nights going to parties, visiting new stores or restaurants, going to the gym, taking walks outside, going to school events or sports games, working at my job (not academic at all), and just generally filling my day with things that make me happy. I’ll hang out with one group of friends until they need to go study and then I’ll bounce to another. But there is still a nagging feeling that I need to be doing work, so I’ll go back to the depressed self isolation.
Has anyone experienced this? I truly wish that there was a way I could actually rest and take a break, but because I can’t do the work in the first place every break feels like self sabotage and I feel like such a lazy/ bad person for going out drinking or something when I have so much due. And if I stay in, I don’t do it anyways and then I also feel bad that I’m lonely. Advice?