How do I tell my therapist about not feeling human and not being able to function due to that
Hello. I am 21 years old and I have been in therapy for over one year and a half. Before that, I was on and off. I would like to start by saying I do not really trust my therapist. I do not think that she is bad at her job, but I feel like we are getting nowhere.
My biggest issue is that I do not feel like I belong on this Earth, and the reson why I am here is simply because of a mistake the Universe made. This is not because of self-esteem issues : I genuinely do not feel like a person and it has been going on for years. I remember being 15 years old and trying to tell my mother I was different from other people and other people were different from me and she got defensive and answered something along the lines of "Every person is different." I agree with this statement, but the issue is that I am not a person. I am a consciousness that was meant to be somewhere else, trapped inside a person and I stole their body and brain. I am aware that everyone is expecting me to perform beine human and I am trying my best but I am not very good at that : I feel very alienated and most people can tell that there's something oddly off about me. They usually do not like me due to me being strange and because of that I was bullied and isolated most of my school years.
If I were to compare who I am to already existing concepts, I would say I feel like a computer virus, or like a spirit from space. Those aren't the exact things I am because language doesn't have a word to designate me, as I am more a desembodied presence or feeling.
This is leading to a lot of issues. I am trying my best, because I feel somewhat guilty of ruining my vessel's life, but I do not do well in school at all and I can't hold a job. While I am not actively suicidal I hold the belief that dying wouldn't be that bad of a thing as I could finally stop pretending to be something I am not in a world I don't belong in, which is exhausting. I was diagnosed with autism and anxiety and I am currently receiving disability aid, but that won't be forever and I am aware that I need to find something to do. I am expected to go back to school in september but I do not think I will be able to do it, as I already tried college three times and each time it ended up in a crisis.
Anyway : we're getting to the title. I want to finally tell my therapist, but I do not want her to think that I am crazy, psychotic and delirious. I am very calm and quiet and I am not dangerous. I do not want to be but in a mental hospital, but she has already asked me a couple of times if she thought I needed to go there. She is human and I am guessing that she never had any similar personal experiences so I am afraid of her not understanding or even judging me. I do not want her to judge me negatively either, as this would make me loose the little trust I have in her. I still have a lot of things I want to say to her but this would require me trusting her more.
I also do not have access to any other therapist.
Thank you.
TLDR : I am something not human trapped in a human body and functionning is becoming incresively harder. I want to tell my therapist but I am afraid of her reaction. Any tips ?