Went to dinner with my FIL (70m) recently. MIL was not there. He and MIL are snowbirds with a house in Florida. MIL (68f) does not like where they currently live in FL, feels very isolated and wants to move to a 55+ community with more amenities. She is definitely depressed and has struggled to make friends as most the people in their current complex are not snowbirds, look down on snowbirds, and are all ages. FIL wants to stay in his isolated house where his two friends occasionally come visit twice a year and where he can “avoid people.” He is the definition of an undiagnosed neurodivergent crotchy old man. Also, Their current place is in hurricane pathways and their insurance is a mess due to it.
They bought a house on the other side for FL in a 55+ community and are waiting for it to be built. They can get insurance coverage on the new house.(Edit to clarify) I honestly have not seen my MIL more excited. FIL is big mad about it and is throwing tantrums daily. He told MIL he would give the new place a year. But he refuses to sell the other house until after a year of living in the new one, “just so i can go back when I dont like it.” He’s setting it up to fail (admitted as such) and not giving the new place a fair chance. He complains so much it’s dimming her excitement.
At dinner, he was complaining about this again and I asked “well what happens after a year when you want to move and MIL wants to stay?”
And he said “well you won’t like my answer, but I only have about 10-15 years left, so my opinion matters more.” (dementia runs in his family.)
Yes, he has other health issues, but so does MIL. I don’t expect either of them to have fully functioning bodies in their mid-80s.
I said “well what are you, like 65?” And FIL said “no 70.”
And I said “so in 15 years, you’ll be 85. No offense, but most people are not in the best health at 85 or even 83, like MIL will be. So what if she’s not in the best health?”
And he just doubled down that his opinion matters more as this is the end of his life (not acknowledging it’s the golden years of her life too.)
Like… life expectancy in the US is what, 76-79 (factors depending.) He’s 70, I get that this man is probably dealing with facing the end of his time here but how the heck can he just be like “she will have to just go with what I want for 15 years and then she can do what she wants” and have that be that? If he thought about it for a second, he would know her body would not have full functionality by then.
I just… shocked pikachu faced. Because how is he that adamant that he control how they spend their retirement when she would be miserable for over a decade? And his wife will have to wait (and hopefully not die and stay in decent health) until her mid-80s to enjoy and semblance of a retirement without constant complaining?!?
*Honestly, wanting to spend retirement differently is the exact reason why my own parents went through a gray divorce. So I really can’t get my head around FIL mentality. Also, my grandpa had the same mentality as my FIL and he ran my grandma into the ground, never once helping with a single household chore, and she had to wait on him hand and foot after she retired as a secretary at 65. She also almost left him too but he talked her into staying somehow. That woman never once had her husband make her dinner or clean a dish for over 23 years of her “retirement”, until she died, then he complained that no one else would do what she did. It was disgusting. Why does he get to sit on his butt all day while my grandma cooked three hot meals and did all the cleaning and laundry after working for 50 years? It made me have a poor opinion of him and men like him, like my FIL.*
We left dinner and I just looked at my partner and he goes “I know, I can’t believe the selfishness either.”
*Not my main as my family knows my handle.*