TW: SH DEPRESSION SUICIDE ABORTION
For context, I (M16) went enemies (Slight) to best friends to lovers with my current girlfriend (F17) . I struggle with my own mental health and currently seeing somone about it and she has diagnosed ADHD BDP and has seen a therapist and is under a psychiatrist.
This relationship is the best one ive ever been in, despite the struggles and theres no doubt in my mind this is the girl I want to marry, which this young may be called stupid or rare, I think rare.
Ever since the start of the relationship she has found it hard to trust me, not only due to the fact that she has been hurt previously and cheated on but also because of the fact I cheated on my last partner (F16) With who i broke up with swiftly as I was not happy with her which doesnt excuse my actions and its something that ive felt guilty for a while about even though i have no regards for my ex and I pretty much hate her now. My ex meant nothing to me and up until now I have never felt the feeling of love. My current partner is very weary and quite jealous of my past relationships and quite undistandibly upset about some words i have said to them before being similar to things I have said to her now. To me, the things i have said and done for her are things ive never ever done for anyone before as ive never loved anyone like this before.
During our relationship we have had struggles with me "Lying" about things I have done with other partners and things i have said to them even though to me it is not a lie, my partner makes very good points to the point where i question myself wether or not I am actually lying unconditionally which has put a strain on our relationship and made it very hard for her to trust me further. I wont go into the details of it but every week it seems to be something new and she has expressed how my words mean nothing to her anymore, her self image has been ruined and she doesnt believe me when i say poetic and beautiful things to her and she doesnt know if she will ever trust me or how long it will take to begin again.
We recently fell pregnant. Its been very hard. The decision has been one that, again, has strained our relationship. She said recently that we have come to the decision to not keep the pregnancy and to terminate it which is something she has expressed is something she would never do for anyone but she wants to make it work with me. During an arguement she has then expressed that not only is it because we cant keep it but also that she doesnt want to bring a child into this world with me because im a prick and a liar and that ive not been any help during the process and she doesnt want me at the abortion.
Our relationship fluxtuates on and off, where we can be very loving and then argue the next. And this isnt the whole story for both of us but just what I can remember now.
I recently started going to therapy and its been very difficult for me and she has been there with me every step of the way, she has had to deal with low mood and thoughts of suicide and even one attempt which happened today. She is done with me and this is because i had accidentally scheduled an appointment on the day of the abortion which would usually be in my calander but i never put it in because she didnt want me there.
I want to change and ive been trying but its so difficult to stop hurting her, I dont want sympathy i want advice on how i can change my behaviour and potentially fix all of this.