Back to the same old situation
—Just venting and would appreciate positive vibes—
I’ve been married for 15 years. Didn’t know my husband had alcohol and drug abuse issues. Have the mentality of seeing the good in people and often being too forgiving.
My husband’s choices have their peaks and valleys- by which I mean he has periods of time when he’s focused and sober followed up with months and months of nonstop binging. And when he relapses, he doesn’t care about anything. Spends his whole paychecks, maxes out mg my credit cards. Lies. And is emotionally abusive.
When he realizes that too much damage has been done, he stops, makes promises about being “done” forever and asking for forgiveness. End of the day again decide to see the “Good in him” and stay.
Another major reason why I decide to stay every time is because we have an 11-year-old daughter, and two dogs who are my babies. I do not want to make life any hard for them than it already is.
My daughter was recently diagnosed with autism. She already internalizes everything that goes around and how dad lies to us all the time about being “done” and never drinking again.
I often face the crossroads where I decide between whether enough is enough or should I forgive again? But I guess my threshold for taking abuse and being forgiving to a level where I feel everyone is way better than me and I am the one with problem.
I also lost my job two years ago and haven’t been able to find another employment since, and that is also fueling my under confidence.
Deep in my soul, I know I can make anything happen. I have worked in leadership/management roles for about 8+years and was promoted five times during this period of time. But my mind play tricks with me tells me that I’m good for nothing. Because I cannot fix the current situation. And every time my husband breaks his promises and relapses, his actions also kill some part of me. I see all those accomplishments and professional achievements as distant dreams. Thinking about working again in a professional environment (after being home for two straight years while dealing with his emotional outbursts) feels like something impossible to accomplish. I don’t know if I have the confidence to do anything in life except for taking care of my daughter and our two dogs.
The kind of emotional and verbal abuse I endure when he’s going through his binge cycles - also fuels my negative, self-degrading thoughts. My life has completely changed over the last 15 years. I don’t even remember the person who I was before.
I often find myself not being able to answer simple questions like- what drives me and what I enjoy? I often forget things, ideas and words while speaking.
While I feel the old me has died somewhere along the way the way while surviving this emotional turmoil and messed-up marriage.
I’m also hyper alert and hyper focused when it comes to our daughter and doing what’s best for her. I neglect all my needs and desires to do what’s best to bring a smile on her face or make her day slightly better when she comes home from school because kids are often mean to her.
I’m seeking therapy. I’ve been reading and reflecting a lot. I also just signed up for a 30 day challenge. - don’t know if any of this will help me somewhere down the road. Or if this eventually will awaken the desires and feelings in me so I can start enjoying life again. I’m blessed with the most amazing daughter, and my two golden retriever boys, but I have never felt truly supported by my partner till date because when he is sober, he’s very controlling when he’s drunk he’s extremely neglectful.
I’m not sure what God has in mind for me. What these circumstances are trying to teach me?
Despite everything. Despite being in this rough situation for 15 years, I am still kind. And I still choose to see the good in people.