u/EmployerTemporary411

I’ve wanted to tell you so many things. 

I went to India, I can do the splits! I caved and bought an iPad. Still don’t really get it tbf. Carved through a couple of books. I carry my kindle for emotional support sometimes. Even still at home. Cried heaps and smiled more then I thought.

I saw tigers in the wild, they were amazing. So lucky. The dust got me in the end, it was 48 most afternoons on that jeep too. The driver was a maniac, Gupta. It was so fun. Alive. I put blonde through my hair that process almost spiralled me. The sun was laser beam red when it set in Goa. You would love it there. I danced like a maniac with the Russians. I need to do mushrooms. My yoga teacher told me, he said I am holding all my anger in too. 

I kept the promise and went to Leopolds, like Linbaba. I practically bolted there off the flight. Mr Houghton would be proud. The front of house said I look like Brooke Shields, the beers were cold, I had a few tallies by myself. I sat in that place and listened to the walls tell stories. Heard all the stories happening around me, made up my own.  The tigers were so close to where I stayed, they let me go up the machan. It was magic I only missed the brightest moon by a couple of days. You would love all the dogs. There was one with 3 legs who would stare down into the water by the beach every day.

I turned my phone back when I landed and dad had sent me a shitty text while I was away. I’ve wanted to tell you so many things. 

It was so hot over there. The winter feels nice to come back to though.

I loved sharing things with you. You’d get joyful and excited. You love the way I get excited.

I miss you

I’ve been good 

And it’s hard 

I’m brave 

And stubborn and stoic.

I remembered tonight 

Driving to yours and feeling so empty in my body and entirely frantic in my head. Not sure what to expect even though by then we were soft and steady when together.

I’d pull over and doing some breathing because I felt so unsure of what it would be.

Gosh there were signs  

My body knew. 

I wish it was different 

I’m learning different 

I’m learning to slow down 

Not chemically 

My rhythm 

My patterns and my reactions 

It can be lonely. And liberating. I’ve not had less attention in years. I’m taking it as a good sign. I was out dancing on Saturday until 3, sure I got attention but I loved staying with my self. 

I’m learning 

It’s wobbly. Wobbly is ok.

I hope you’re learning too 

I miss you 

I remember the bees in the fence when I walked out of your house. Sometimes it was like I just didn’t matter that much in your world, then sometimes I felt like your center. I remember those bees, much as I remember your hands in the night, searching for me and finding. Holding. The snoring too.

I’m lovin you from afar 

Accepting it none the less 

I have space for love I’ve discovered.

It’s not something that runs out I’m learning 

I don’t have to withdraw yours to build more, I can hold it gently from a distance it doesn’t hurt me to do that. It just expands it. I’m not taking yours to give to others. I just have more. More for me. More for others. Still yours too. All inside me.

I can love and love and love in spills and folds. So many times over, at the same time. You don’t know that this is a revelation to me.

Be good, banana bread 

I’m ok you’re ok. Love ya

My ex and I broke up at the beginning of March. It happened really quickly, things weren’t as easy as they were at the beginning but they were not bad, nothing terrible or toxic that was happening. He just said that he can’t meet my needs. There was breakdown in the communication and the lack of consistency and where things were going for either of us, I guess. He was super emotional during the break up conversation but ultimately didn’t want to give it another chance.

He said he wanted to be friends and I said no we need to have some time apart before that can happen, we shouldn’t speak for a bit. After we said goodbye, he then blocked me on Instagram and remove me off shared apps the next day. Which I’ve never had happen. He pocket dialled me a couple of days later and said it was an accident and haven’t spoken since which was the 6th of March.

I’ve done heaps of reflection and internal work and made big acknowledgements about the relationship including that I think it was right decision.

I just got back from three weeks in India by myself, and always kind of felt like I would reach out if I still felt like I wanted to when I came back. Not to try and reunite a romance, but just to try and check in and say hey. I still really care about him and it just feels like there was so much that escalated on that day that was really unknown to me for the entire relationship, which was only six months to be fair.

Is this a crazy idea? I guess I’m probably looking for people to weigh in on how they’d feel.