I want to have friends and be a good friend
I’m about to turn 20, and I recently had a bit of an epiphany. For most of my life, I focused so heavily on academics that I neglected building meaningful relationships with family and friends. On top of that, I held unrealistically high standards for the relationships I did have. If a friend did something I didn’t fully agree with, I would internally distance myself from them instead of addressing it directly. I’d tell myself they weren’t the kind of company I wanted in my life.
Looking back, I think that was unfair in a lot of cases. Teenagers make mistakes, and I expected people to be “perfect” in ways that weren’t realistic. I also never communicated my frustrations or tried to work through issues with people. Instead, I kept everything bottled up and slowly built resentment toward them. To be fair, some of those friendships probably weren’t healthy long term, but even then, I never really made an effort to go out and form new connections either.
Now I feel like I’m facing the consequences of that. I’m almost done with undergrad, and I’m planning to take a gap year before applying to grad school. I haven’t made many friends in college either, partly because I don't stay on campus and partly because I’m graduating early due to college credits from high school. It feels like high school and college are some of the best opportunities to form lifelong friendships because you’re constantly surrounded by people your age and interacting with them daily. After that, it seems like those opportunities become much rarer.
When I look ahead, I struggle to picture myself making close friends in the future. I know that’s probably a pessimistic mindset, especially considering I’m only 20, but I can’t seem to shake it. Now that I’ve finally realized how important relationships really are, I’m scared I may have realized it too late.
I want to fix this, but I’m not sure how. I want to learn how to genuinely prioritize relationships and connection. How to build new relationships. How to find good friends and be a good friend myself. I know people often give advice like “learn to love yourself,” “be comfortable alone,” or “focus on hobbies,” and I understand the value in that. But I’ve spent the past year trying to do those things, and it still feels like something is missing. I don’t think self-love can fully replace the need for human connection. I think people need both. And honestly, I worry that if I spend too much time focusing on learning to be alone, I might miss opportunities to build meaningful relationships along the way. Any advice?