u/Emperor_Kuru

For ages, men are allowed to look like sewage rats, yet beauty standards for women are impossibly high. You’ve seen it countless times in the media of the average/ugly husband and hot wife. Women are shamed for caring about looks.

I understand that for some women, attraction can grow from a guy they didn’t feel as attracted to before. But for me, it just doesn’t work that way. I met a woman who thought I was a bad and shallow person just bc I felt this way. Why do I have to see any good person I have chemistry with as a potential partner when I can just be friends with them.

I’m also not demisexual, so for me, sexual/physical attraction is usually immediate. Unfortunately, it doesn’t grow no matter how good a guy’s personality is. If I found him unattractive from the start, that won’t change. Trust me, I’ve tried it multiple times.

However, I don’t treat men I find unattractive like monsters (like how men demonize or treat women they find ugly invisible). I judge men based on who they are on the inside.

But when it comes to dating, I need BOTH looks and personality. I can’t have one without the other. If I had to choose between a man who looked like a model but was a bad person, or a guy who has an amazing personality but unattractive to me, I would pick NEITHER of them. But I would respect the latter.

I see this narrative everywhere, even in feminist spaces online. I understand that every human is different, for some people, personality can spark physical attraction. But for me, that just isn’t possible. If a man isn’t generally pretty/good looking to me, I can’t find him physically attractive no matter how good our chemistry or his personality is.

I’ve tried it twice. I met a guy that was super sweet and everything, but no matter how much he made me laugh, I just wasn’t attracted at all.

What I don’t get is, why am I being seen as a bad person for not finding someone physically attractive? Why can’t I just be FRIENDS with people?

I got called shallow by another woman just bc my physical/sexual attraction couldn’t grow solely from a guy’s personality when I didn’t find him physically attractive. I prefer my sexual attraction for someone to be immediate.

My “preferences” also vary, I like skinny men, tall or short men, fit men, etc. Plus, attraction is subjective, what I find attractive may not be the same for someone else. I still see men as humans, unlike how many men don’t see women as people.

TLDR: I need both looks and personality/compatibility to date and romantically love a man, I can’t have one without the other. You’re not shallow for caring about looks, you’re only shallow if that’s the ONLY thing you care about. If I had to choose between a guy who looks like a model but has a bad personality, or a guy I find unattractive but has a great personality, I’d pick NEITHER of them, but would love to be friends with the latter.