I (20F) am about to marry my fiancé (24M) of 2 years in a few months and 2 days ago I told him that I was thinking about just adding his last name on to my name instead of taking his last name entirely. I thought it wasn’t a big deal so randomly I brought it up half hazardly not thinking anything of it. He is really upset that I don’t want to take his last and get rid of my maiden name.
Heres some background: I plan on getting my MBA and my phD and the first thing I thought of was them announcing “Dr.Miller” (changed my last name) instead of “Dr.John” (changed his last name). I am also very proud of my last name, it’s like my sense of belonging and who i am as a person and as a whole. I think the root of the reason as to why I’m so adamant about keeping my last name is because we went through a very rough patch earlier this year and I ended up losing myself. Since then I feel like I found myself and my identity. I have decided to go back to college and I found which career path I want to go down that makes me happy. I feel like it would be a waste to do all of this to then give up part of my identity in a few months. Our future kids will obviously keep his last name it’s just I don’t want to give up my last name entirely. It honestly breaks my heart thinking about giving up my last name.
His reasoning:
His reasoning as to why he wants me to have his last name and not “Mrs.Miller-John” is because:
- he wants his wife to share the same last name as his kids (technically we would be sharing the same last name just not exactly)
- it’s for legacy reasons and to pass down the name (our kids would have his last name)
- he’s proud of his last name and feels like it would be a slap in the to his grandfather (our first son is already going to be named after his grandfather)
- it doesn’t feel like it’s real or that we’re truly committed to each other if I don’t take his last name
- if his last name is good enough for our kids why isn’t it good enough for me?
- he’s already sacrificing stuff so why can’t I just take his name (at the beginning of the relationship I told him I have to get married in the church. It’s a MUST for me)
I just feel like taking his last name is really outdated and that some traditions are meant to be broken. I want to be my own person and not feel like he’s consuming me as a person, is that so bad? I thought what I was doing was a great compromise on both of our behalf’s. At the end of the day it’s just a last name so it would just be easier to take his last name and get over it.
So, AITAH for wanting to keep my last name and just add his last name to it or should I just take his last name so this argument can be over with?
Edit: someone pointed something out that I should probably elaborate on before you guys think this is rage baiting. I went to college my first year 2024-2025 at the age of 18 turning 19. I took a year off for personal reasons and decided I’m going back to school fall 2026 on a fast track for my bachelor and MBA. For the normal person this would take 5 years but I obviously took a year off. Sorry for the confusion!!!