[20F] So I gonna try to see a new psychiatrist soon. I haven't been attending consultations for months because my prev. doctor kept dismissing my concerns and then I just decided not to take anything prescribed out of skepticism due to past experience with meds
Last diagnosis: BPD, GAD, BD-II (this is new, it used to be MDD)
I've tried with antipsychotics and antidepressants since 2024 and I really don't like it. At first, I was hopeful but it was ruining my quality of life and I generally really didn't feel like myself talaga.
I would keep taking it din kasi "mawawala din naman yan" sabi ng mga doc. The side effects stresses the hell out of me and I'd argue that it's worse than a depressive episode because it's like an active source of distress and (extreme) sometimes could be a source of SI for me.
Especially since it's like apparently, "other patients dont experience it" daw when I mention some side effects and it's always the same response na "keep taking it 4 more weeks and mawawala din yan" (it doesnt). Or one time, I mentioned it head-on na "im worried about emotional blunting" and they're told to tell me that it's normal and gonna be gone in a few weeks (It doesn't). I generally feel gaslighted.
I'll list some so hopefully there's some understanding sa skepticism ko.
Antipsychotics:
- Akathisia (Aripiprazole)
- General brain fog
- "Losing any rational risk-taking or confidence in decision making" (Risperidone)
- Unbearable migraines that I couldn't go to school (Quetiapine)
- General " think so slow that it makes me feel stupid at school"
- General dizziness
- Weight gain (Risperidone) -- thankfully recovered
- Emotional Blunting (Risperidone)
- Breathing problems (Risperidone)
- General tremor and difficulty writing
- Anhedonia (?) (Risperidone) --- could be emotional blunting, I couldn't have fun or enjoy things I like, but not in a depressive way
Antidepressants:
- Libido nonexistent (Fluoxetine)
- Sleep disruptions (Fluoxetine)
- Emotional blunting (Escitalopram)
Like at this point, I can't trust antipsychotics/antidepressants. If I'm gonna live, I wanna atleast be able to cry (kahit masakit), laugh a lot, and also not sustain any changes to my body that I didn't ask for. I know it's not every medication, but I feel like I have a grasp that they would generally have these side effects. ://
Searched up on mood stabilisers and I'm like wow it seems so perfect on paper, pero napa-"what's the catch?" ako. Saw that there's some dissociation, brain fog, short-term memory loss, weight gain (BIG NO), etc. Parang natawa nalang ako in utter disbelief that it won't get better for me unless I compromise myself in a way I don't like at all
I know it's a trade-off, it's trial and error, but it feels like im trading parts of myself para lang "mabuhay". Buhay naman ako pero nabubuhay ba ko? I know it works for other people but it's subjective and the ones I've tried don't work and usually made me feel worse. A small part of me thinks what if di ganon yung iba? But at the same time, I'm tired, and I feel like I'm running out of time. + Can't really juggle risk dealing with side effects that keep me out of school esp. in college
Please enlighten me, i don't wanna completely think that it's hopeless. It's like ang bigat na ng buhay and bumibigat pa lalo. --- especially since I feel like I'm getting worse and I've already rationalised, decided and planned na before the year ends (concerning but I'm trying to get help)
I'm also aware meds aren't precise --- they can't tell between SI and some other normal thought. Surely may solution, surely some of them won't make me experience any of the side effects listed??