Intimacy struggles
I’m looking for wisdom, hope, prayer, and possibly advice from women who may have gone through something similar in marriage.
My husband and I have 3 children under 3 and have been through a very difficult season recently, including my own mental health struggles and a hospitalization. Before all of that happened, we had been growing very close emotionally and opening up about our pasts, especially conversations surrounding our sex lives before we knew each other.
In being fully honest with him, I shared things from my past that I’m not proud of. While I’m grateful there was honesty and transparency between us, it deeply affected him. He has expressed disapproval and has admitted he can’t stop thinking about who I was before we met and some of the choices I made. Since then, our intimacy has changed and I’ve become very insecure sexually because I now feel hyper aware of how he sees me.
I understand his feelings and I take accountability for my own dysfunctional behavior, both in earlier years and also some poor decisions I made more recently during a mentally unstable period that contributed to my hospitalization. I’m not trying to avoid responsibility or paint myself as the victim. I know I’ve hurt him too.
At the same time, some things have been said to me out of hurt that have deeply affected me emotionally, and now I feel stuck between wanting to pursue my husband sexually while also feeling ashamed, judged, and anxious. He says he feels like I don’t pursue him enough sexually anymore, but it’s hard to relax and feel desired when I know he’s struggling with intrusive thoughts about my past.
We do not want divorce. We love each other and want our marriage to heal. I’ve been loyal to him throughout our marriage and have devoted myself to being a wife and mother to our children, but right now we both seem hurt and insecure in different ways.
Has anyone gone through rebuilding intimacy and emotional safety after difficult revelations, shame, resentment, or mental health struggles? How did you move forward together without destroying each other emotionally in the process?
Please be kind. I’m already carrying a lot of shame and fear, and I truly want healing for our marriage and family.
TL;DR:
My husband and I were growing very close and talking openly about our pasts when I shared details about my sexual history before we met. Since then, he’s struggled with intrusive thoughts, and our intimacy has changed a lot. I’ve also recently gone through mental health struggles and a hospitalization, and while I take accountability for my past behavior and recent instability, I now feel insecure pursuing him sexually knowing how he views me. We both love each other and don’t want divorce, but we’re struggling emotionally and sexually right now. I don’t really have close friends or supportive family to talk to, so I’ve mostly just been silently going through the motions with this huge elephant in the room while raising 3 kids under 3. Looking for wisdom, hope, prayer, or advice from anyone who’s experienced something similar.