TLDR: my step mother who was not active in my life as a child is trying to be very hands on with my baby and it’s bringing up feelings I didn’t know I would have.
To give a little context, I am a stepmom in my 30s and my stepmom has been with my dad since I was a young child, probably five or six years old. Growing up I only saw my dad every other weekend so I know that plays a part in all this.
When I would go to my dad‘s house, my stepmom almost never came around . As a kid, I saw her once or twice a year if that, but once I got into adulthood, I started doing monthly dinners with my father and she started to come along. We got to know each other a little better once I was an adult, but we still don’t have a very close relationship. It’s mostly surface level. We talk about how works going, how our week has been, but I don’t really know any details about her life, and I also don’t know my step siblings on that side, her kids. I have extended offers for her children to come along to our monthly dinners but it never happened. I try to ask questions and learn more about them, but it seems that my dad doesnt really care for me and my sister to know her kids so I tread lightly when it comes to more direct questions about why there’s such an obvious separation. Her kids are my age too so it just seems that we naturally could have been close over the years if given a chance to know each other.
Just as my step mom comes around me, my dad spends some holidays and dinners with her kids. So it’s strange that we all can’t just spend time together if that makes sense. As I’ve gotten older I’ve had some really hard feelings about it because I value family. The step siblings on my moms side have always been family to me so I guess I wish I could have had it with my step moms children too.
My stepmom has only wished me a happy birthday a handful of times in my entire life. She did not wish me happy birthday this year even though I have seen her multiple times when they have come over to see the baby. She did not attend my child hood events or milestones. She did attend and donate the favors for my wedding which I am grateful for though. I’m not trying to nitpick just to give you some context of how our relationship is. It’s really not much of a relationship at all to be honest. She is a nice lady though and I generally get a long with her when she comes around.
I am a new mom to a brand new baby and of course the family has been loving on him. I’m super grateful for this and I know that as my son grows up, he will love having extra grandparents. My stepmom has been wanting to be extremely hands-on. Almost every time my dad visits the baby she comes along with and acts as the primary grandparent. What I mean by this is she’s the main one holding, cuddling, changing diapers, etc. instead of my dad. She also came to the hospital when he was born and held him for a long time without asking if I had any qualms about it.
She has bought things for my son, and she was very involved in planning my baby shower also, which threw me for a loop because as stated above, she hasn’t really come around for other major milestones besides my wedding.
So basically, this has brought up feelings of confusion and hurt. Even though I am happy that my son has so many people to love on him, deep down I feel some type of way about her wanting to be so close to my son when me and her have barely any relationship at all.
As a stepmom myself, I understand how hard the role can be. So that’s why I’ve approached this in a reserved manner and haven’t jumped to a decision of what to do. I don’t know if I should just let it go or if I should try to discuss my feelings with her.
If anyone has a similar family dynamic or has been in a similar situation, feel free to chime in. I’m open to all opinions or even just using this as a place to get it off my chest.