I want to turn my life around.
I want to turn my life around. 5 years ago I had everything, a good career, a healthy relationship with friends and family, savings. I was praying 5 times a day, I was learning Arabic, I was listening to Islamic Lectures, understood Islamic History, I was really into studying the core concept of existence of God, why religion is necessary. I was very happy. I got whatever I wished for. It felt like my life had a lot of Barakah.
The past 2 years had been really really depressing for me. I lost my job, lost my savings. I started looking for applications to go abroad for higher studies. I sent tons of applications but everytime there was some immigration law issue that stood in the way, due to which I was unable to move.
With all that mental burden, I got cranky. I started fighting with my parents and family. Slowly I started losing prayers, quran, I started getting into pornography, music. I had a clean streak of not abusing for 3-4 years and now I think I abuse more then I speak. I became the very opposite of something I was some years ago. I used to go to Gym and had an athletic physique, but now I just lay on my bed all day, not even wanting to talk to anybody.
Honestly, there were some times where I even started going into atheism. But due to spending some time previously in understanding the existence of God. I never really let go of the idea that "God Exists". I know God is there. But I was angry with him, I felt like he left me. In-between there were times where I literally took my prayer mat, went in panic mode and started praying with tears gushing out of my eyes in the middle of the night. I was having some hope that maybe, God might heed my prayer and my life would get easier, but alas. I am still at lowest point of my life.
I think it's time now, that I want to turn my life around. I am not sure that if I will succeed in my career or my life, but I want to again revert myself to the same spiritual level, the same hope and faith that I had in my heart. I have been trying a lot for the past few months but the only prayers I read are the Jummah ones.
P.S: This post is written, while still being in state of that anger, those emotions of betrayal, restlessness and confusion. So, I am sorry if my sentence structure doesn't make any sense. I just wrote what I could think of to explain my situation.
I would gladly appreciate any help.