desperately need to change
just turned 21! to provide some context about myself i had some traumatizing things happen to me at the end of middle school/all throughout highschool that was the root cause of my anxiety and covid was what really started my agoraphobia as well. after highschool i took a “gap year” due to my anxiety and just wanting to really take the year to focus on my mental health, explore and research what to study and work. i regret taking that gap year because it has now turned into multiple “gap years” and has completely set me back in life that i feel so stuck between wanting to go back to school but being scared that my anxiety will come back in full force again and then affect my learning. im only getting older and i already feel so embarrassed at my big age having all these issues with social anxiety / anxiety in general and on top of that i dont even go outside and have pushed away all my friends away so im practically just loner adult.
i went out to a restaurant with my family yesterday which i was nervous about literally the entire day. i could tell my nervous system was erupting. the restaurant was so incredibly crowded and we were sat in the middle so literally anyone can see us. it already felt painfully awkward with our spot but the sound of a crowded restaurant just felt so overwhelming. by the time we ordered and got our food i was so panicked i could feel my heart trying to rip out of my chest. i couldn’t eat a thing. whenever i get nervous about something i just completely lose my appetite and it turns into straight nausea so anything i consume in that moment will definitely be thrown up. i felt so bad that my family had to see me like that but i kept myself as calm as possible and tried not to ruin the vibe. my senses were heightened and i just kept focusing on the sound of the chatter in the restaurant. this is stupid to think because i haven’t been consistently going outside for a while now but i did think my anxiety was getting better but boy was i wrong. i seriously need a change and now the next day im still anxious. i dont think i realized how bad it really got until that moment. anxiety and agoraphobia have taken so much from me and im so sick of it. i’m not doing anything with my life, im not taking the initiative to change and i feel like im becoming more and more like a zombie by day just being at home in my “safe place”. i told myself ill start going out everyday when the new year had started but its embarrassing how little ive gone out so far it honestly makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. im aware the state that im at right now is all my fault because i haven’t been properly taking care of myself and definitely haven’t been kind to myself at all but im willing to change that because i really do want to start caring and stop self sabotaging.
i don’t even know what exactly im asking for maybe just to rant or hope someone else is going through what i am as well. one thing i will ask is where in the world do i start in terms of easing my way back to going outside. everytime i go out i have anxiety for at least a week after even if i had a good time. hoping anyone can give me some words of advice or anything at all. please be kind. thank you!