My brother's (now 21 years old, pwBPD) birthday was 4 days ago. Today I listened some old songs we used to listen together and my heart felt so heavy. I had to sent him a message. I'm not really sure he'll see it, I don't know If he blocked me or something like that. But I know he hates me and probably won't answer anyway.
Things is we are no contact for some time now. My plan was to keep not talking to him, and I didn't say anything 4 days ago, but today I felt like I needed to write somewhere, even If he won't see it, you know. Told him happy birthday and that I always wished him well.
I still remember when we were kids. We were pretty close. I can't just forget how much he meant to me. But If I didn't choose myself over him, I know I'd be manipulated for the rest of my life. All the suicide threats, the self destruction. I didn't know how much I could take anymore. It pains me, though it was the right thing to do. I had to. My mom did the same too.
Some days are just harder to accept all of this. That's not how I wanted things to end.
Sorry guys, I just had to pour it somewhere so I could move on.
Thank you for your time. Take care.