u/Emisaaaa

I really keep on trying to connect with people. I downloaded that stupid app for finding friends, people don't swipe on me often, if they do? They never reach out, never go past hey or if they do, they let the convo get dry to the point where I get the hint to stop texting even though I did try to make it engaging. The overall concept makes me uneasy anyway and just doesn't feel good but I don't know how to otherwise find friends or even acquaintances.

Irl? I have no one, I am not included in anything, my friends don't reply to me for weeks sometimes.

Recently I had a situation where a friend reached out to me, only to interview me for a project, the moment it was off the table? Gone.

Nothing new though, since usually I only seem to exist when they have issues with their partner, then I'm immediately dumped again for weeks or months.

This year I got excluded from a party, my other friend said that due to a certain person who could start drama if I am there they thought that the best solution to avoiding drama will be if I don't come. Well damn that hurt because even they mentioned that it's that not even my fault.

"You didn't miss out on much anyway"

I actually did. What no one seems to realize though is that I do miss out on a lot, that birthday party was like one of the total of 2 times a year where I can interact with my "friends"

I let myself be treated like trash because I'm way too forgiving and try to excuse that behavior, the moment I see that they dm'd me? I immediately reply. I am not blind, i know that friends don't treat friends like that but those people are the only ones I have.

I am heartbroken honestly, I am neurodivergent and anxious, coming out of my comfortzone is not easy but I do try my best, every single time it feels like a kick to the ribs. I don't make a good impression, and I can't seem to make anyone stay. My brain fries each time I open my mouth when I speak to someone new. I feel like an alien, like I am not meant to fit in with other people despite my efforts.

My close friend is going to have a big birthday party, I'm not invited to. They explained to me that my ex (also their close friend) is invited with their new partner who might have jealousy issues, to avoid the "drama" they decided that it's best to not invite me to the main party and instead we can hangout a day or two later.

I don't know how to feel about that hangout.

I obviously don't want to ruin their birthday and make it about me or overall stress them with planning so I didn't press on it further but I have mixed feelings about this situation.

Also I want to clarify that I have no interest in my ex, it has been years since we broke up.

On previous occasions we kept it civil without any issues as well.